Tommy Wiseau: Martial Arts Master
Today, I accompanied my friend to one of those "first lesson for free" trial things you get at some martial arts schools. He wanted to try out a new place, since his old school closed down and he's been looking for a new place to train. Since I've done my share of martial arts, and he trusts my opinion, he asked me to accompany him to give him a second opinion on this place.
At this point, I would just to emphasize the point that this is a 100% true story. It might sound outlandish, but this all actually happened. Names other than my own have been omitted for privacy purposes, I may have disliked this martial arts school, but I don't want to be a dick and leak this guy's personal information onto the Internet. He may have been a bad instructor, but I won't go so far as to call him a fraud that needs to be exposed in Ashida Kim-fashion.
Why do I tell you this tale? Well I was relating it to another friend just earlier, and he tells me that it is hilarious, so I thought that perhaps some of my fellow martial artists might be amused by it.
On our drive to this school, we almost get into a car accident because of some guy turning left on a red light, very nearly hitting us in the process. If we had been ancient Romans in chariots or something like that, I think my friend and I would've regarded this as an ominous sign.
We arrive at the school. A rather non-descript in a strip mall between a laundromat and a dog groomer's. We're a few minutes early, so we walk in. Pretty standard fare: Big open room with wrestling mats on the floor, a bunch of flags of various nations hanging from the ceiling, some gym equipment and weapons along the walls. One of the walls is a big mirror for some reason.
The instructor comes out to greet us. He is a short man of Hispanic descent with the largest facial wart I have ever seen. His beer gut is also quite noticeable, and he has the strangest accent I have ever heard on any person. It did not sound like a typical Hispanic accent, indeed if I had to compare it to anything, I would say he sounded most like Tommy Wiseau. He tells us that he is originally from Portugal, and that English is his fifth language. This is also not a good sign.
Tommy Wiseau explains to us that he teaches a mixture of karate and judo, intended to give his students a good balance of striking and grappling for self-defense. Then he hands us our uniforms, and starts talking about them. He also calls me Derek, even though I clearly said "Eric" when I introduced myself. This is about as close as I can get to transcribing this man's... unique pronounciation into text:
"Heah Derek and [Friend] use zese uneefirms foah yoah firsht classh. Wit zese uneefirms, yoa alsho receivin belts. Za belts ara reprezentin yoah knuwledge und experieence and yoah abilleety tu bee deefinding yoashelf. Right nowah, zey ara white, beecuz you ara nu and inexpeeerieeencedshed"
In the bathroom changing into the uniforms, my friend says to me:
"Is your name Derek?"
"No, no it isn't" I reply.
As we exit the washroom, we see the rest of the class streaming in. It's a pretty typical assortment of young people ranging from their early teens to early 20s. I would estimate that 13-20 was the age range. There is an Asian woman with very large bosoms, and another Asian woman who is very fat. I am disappointed because they seem to be sisters and Fat Asian Chick clings to Hot Asian Chick like a tick (Haha! Rhymes!). I see one of the 13 year olds wearing a black belt. This is a bad sign.
We do a pretty half-assed warmup and then go into half-assed drills and kata. The 13 year old black belt starts correcting me on my punching form. This is also a bad sign.
The 13 year old black belt punches with his thumb tucked into his fist, under his fingers. This is a very bad sign.
After this, Tommy Wiseau starts going over some half-assed throws and takedowns with his skinny mute (I assume, the guy never spoke to any of us about anything) assistant. Pretty typical stuff really, nothing too interesting. Then he hits us with this gem:
"Noah, ina riel shtreet fyeght, it wheel prubaby goah to zsha grownd, hoaweva thish ish a vary eeefeective techshneek foah shelf-deefince"
He then demonstrates what I have dubbed the Open Hand Crotch Slap on his assistant. This is, as the name may indicate, an open-handed slap to the opponent's crotch. Tommy Wiseau does it slowed down, holding his hand a few centimeters away from the Mute's crotch for a few seconds too long, while saying "Thish wheel vary much be hurtingsh him"
Then he said: "Derek! You trysh!".
At first I thought he had called me trash, then I realized he wanted me to demonstrate for the class. He paired me up with Fat Asian Chick for this purpose. I am very disappointed.
We go through the grapples and throws, which were made very difficult by this girl's proportions. Then it comes time for the Open Hand Crotch Slap. The Fat Asian Chick lets her hand linger above my junk for a bit too long for my comfort. Then Tommy Wiseau said: "Vary goodsh! Didsh eeveerybuddy shee that? Daemonstrat again!"
I then made the mistake of saying: "Uh, could you do that a little faster please".
Fat Asian Chick then quickly slapped me in the junk. Hard.
And I'll be damned, getting slapped in the junk DOES very much hurt me.
As I'm laying on the mats, doubled up around my assaulted genitals, fucking Tommy Wiseau says to the rest of the class: "Shee? Itsh iz a vary eeefeective a-tack"
After this, Tommy Wiseau announces that is time for sparring. Finally it looks like things are looking up. I mean, how can you **** up sparring? Two guys beat on each other, it's so simple! The whole class lines up against the wall. 'Uh, okay' I think, believing that maybe Tommy Wiseau acted as a matchmaker for the sparring. Some schools do that sort of thing. Then Tommy Wiseau starts sparring with the Mute. 'Fair enough', I think, 'He needs practice as well I guess'.
The Mute and Tommy Wiseau finish after a few minutes. Then everyone heads to the other wall and starts grabbing their things. And then everyone leaves.
No sparring! What the hell!? That had been the only thing I was looking forward to for the entire shitty hour-long class! I just wanted to punch some people in the face and at least get something worthwhile out of the bullshit!
My friend and I drive away, agreeing to never go there again.
However, before we left, I did manage to secure Hot Asian Chick's phone number. Score!
I think it perfectly reasonable that you give us his details. He sounds like a pretty cool guy. We're not gonna do nothin to him, honest...
Sounds like u had fun. Got junk slapped by a chick. Go to next class, mable u will b paired off with her again, and u might do some rolling. Who knows what will happen then...
Dude, you got to meet a Portugese wizard, you got your junk touched by an Asian chick, AND you're planning to plow her sister. Srsly... What teh **** are you complaining about.
Kama Sutra blue belt.
Originally Posted by Emevas
Originally Posted by Rock Ape
^^^I like how he is thinking. Get both the fattie and the hottie asian together for a two on one attacker scenario
They prefer BBW, and if you like that, feel free to join our troll squad over in Trollshido.
Originally Posted by Syphilis
Kama Sutra blue belt.
Originally Posted by Emevas
Originally Posted by Rock Ape
And good ending to a very bad training session, sweet... :)
Originally Posted by EricD
That was quite possibly the lamest story I've read on here in a long, long, long, long, long time.
Why did you waste my time, Derek? Why?
I mean, when Sri told me someone had a story about having his crotch grabbed by a BBW Asian girl, I really expected a story of full-on molestation. Instead, she merely "lingered a moment too long for your taste."
Derek, it's obvious your innate manliness just does that to women. You should be use to this from hot girls, fat girls, cougars, senior citizens, lunch ladies, nuns, professional female impersonators... It's part and parcel of being the stud muffin martial artist you obviously are. Women want to touch your junk. It's amazing they don't actually touch it more often. This smitten girl took advantage of the fact she was invited to linger over your crotch.
I think it's wrong of you to blame the poor girl, Derek. It's your fault for putting yourself in that situation and tempting her like that. I'm tempted to ask if that loaner uniform was too revealing and exposed your macho arms; but I'm afraid you'll think I'm asking for myself. (I'm not. I'm asking for Doofaloofa...)
OP doesn't get why there would be a mirror in a MA studio AND expected to be sparring on the first day. Oh, and his definition of sparring: "Two guys beat on each other, it's so simple!"
Yes, this is clearly a real story told my an experienced martial artist. And here I was thinking that school was back in session.
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