Posted On:4/19/2006 12:55pm
Style: yang taichi
It's heads or tales between offensively biting someone on the groin (kina mutai) and
putting baby powder in a nasal spray bottle to blind an attacker (Ashida Kim how you betrayed a young boy's dreams).
Posted On:4/20/2006 1:49pm
Style: Mushin Dao, BJJ
woah nelly, this thread made me remember some stuff from my kung fu days that I think I intentionally blocked from my memory.
Oh, the horror.
I actually dug out my old kung fu manuals and will transcribe them as they are presented here. any of my own comments will be in [brackets].
As a note, these come from Glenn C Wilson's 'Gong Yuen Chuan Fa' system that is essentially kung fu forms tacked on to hideous kempo bullshit, hence the absurd names for techniques.
Thunder & Earth:
Counter: Person grabbing by both lapels or both shoulders from the front. From neutral stance with both hands down by sides.
1. right knee comes up into crane stance [one leg] while executing double outward yuen chuan crossing wings block [open hand double center block] and a right front snap kick (moving opponent back)
2. While stepping down into a right leg forward long bow stance, form right hand into fist keeping the right arm in front of right chest (elbow bent) and extend left willow palm to position using as a guide.
3. Step through into left leg forward long bow stance while executing a right overhead hammerfist to the crown of the opponent's nose and chambering left fist at waist.
4. Slide right hand to the side of opponent's head (to hold it) while stepping through to a right leg forward long bow stance, executing a left elbow strike to the opponent's temple.
Counter: someone coming up behind you and grabbing you around the neck in a choke hold.
1. Grab attacker's arm righ your right hand (pinning attacker's hand to your body)
2. step into square horse stance to gain control of attacker's balance, then step your left leg behind attacker's right leg (still in horse stance) (do not step too far, you'll loose [sic] your leverage). The right hand is still holding attacker's arm to your body by your throat.
3. Still holding the attacker's arm in place, execute a left elbow strike to the attacker's mid-section, then a left hammerfist into the attacker's groin, then a left poison snake strike [think 3-stooges eye poke] into the attacker's eyes.
Bite of the Viper
Counter: front snap kick
1. Step back with left foot into side horse stance executing downward gong chuan crane crossing wings (with right fist on top) [X-block] to block attacker's kick and draw the attacker towards you. (make sure the arms are crossed midway between the wrists and elbows)
2. Leaving the left fist in place, chamber the right fist then execute a right sunfist [vertical punch] to the ribs, recoil the punch, then execute a right leopard's paw uppercut to the throat.
Removing the Jewels [you already know this will be a doozy]
Counter: Someone coming from behing and grabbing you in a headlock. (attacker is on your left)
1. Turn head to the left to clear air way, Using the finger knuckles of your right fist, strike the back of the attacker's hand to loosen the grip.
2. Step right into square horse stance and execute a left uppercut to the attacker's ribs. Right fist is still at your left shoulder.
3. Turn stance left into left leg forward long bow, and grabbing attacker's groin with a right tiger claw. Left hand simultaniously chambers palm up at right shoulder.
4. Rip & Tear, transferring the weight to the right leg into a stretching tiger stance and clearing the left hand down the right arm and striking with a noni slap (back-hand) to the groin while the right hand rips out the attacker's groin [through their pants no less] and ends with the elbow bent in a 45 degree angle over the right side of your body about shoulder high. (right hand in a fist) (over emphasize the last stance) [so you look super cool]
Counter: One handed shoulder grab from behind [aka: excuse me, do you know the way to HUUURKKK]
1. Step right foot across to left on a 45 degree angle bringing both spear hands up (palms facing down).
2. Turn left 180 degrees to a left leg forward cat stance on opposite 45 bringing spears around blocking attacker's arm with your left forearm.
3. Hook left hand over attacker's arm, grab, twist attacker's arm, and pull attacker into your left side kick [ah yes, clinching range, the best time to throw a side kick]
4. Set your left side heel back across the front of your right leg into monkey stance (similar to snake), while releasing the grab, cricle arms down, around, then striking down on atacker's back with elbows, heel palms, then tiger claws. [imagine this as a flurry of strikes done to the exposed back of the attacker, rendered immobile and helpless by a well placed side kick]
Counter: Right wrist grab from attacker's right hand
1. Step over left food out and forward to left on a 45 degree angle. Circle right arm to left up, and over. When right arm is coming to the overhead position, hook your right hand over attacker's grabbing arm with a crane's beak, then continue circle downat 45 degree angle twisting stance right to a right leg forward open bow stance and bringing a left crane's head around striking attacker's head.
(You should end in a right leg forward open bow with your left crane's head strike to the attacker's head and right crane's beak extended on your right downward at a 45) [so you look cool]
Pushing the Circle
Counter: Right wrist grab from attacker's left hand.
1. Step right foot forward to right on a 45 degree angle while turning your palm inward and pushing your hand toward attacker.
2. Circle right arm overhead to the left to break the hold, turning stance to a right leg forward side horse. Continue the circle striking the attacker's midsection with a right supported elbow strike (left hand covering right ribs).
3. From supported elbow position, execute a right outside wing strike [karate chop? I dunno] (palm down) to the attacker's neck. Then recoil strike and execute a downward reverse outside wing strike to the attacker's groin (left hand still in right rib guard position).
Anyway I'm sure you won't read this crap, but if you shut your eyes and imagine ridiculous strings of kempo-themed strikes against a limp and lifeless attacker, you'll get the idea.
I think it was two ninjas taped together, to make one GIANT NINJA!!!!
Posted On:4/21/2006 3:02pm
Style: looking for new style
When I was at TKD, one of my friends (who is now an instructor at the shitty TKD mcdojo) taught me his own 'special' release from a wrist grab. Compliance FTW!
Basically, the opponent starts by grabbing your LEFT wrist with his RIGHT hand.
You roll your left hand in a clockwise motion and grab your opponents' wrist. (I think this was supposedly to break the opponents grip and to give you control over the opponents' wrist).
Next, you swing your left arm across the opponents' body in the direction of HIS left shoulder.
Carry on swinging the arm around the opponent and he will eventually end up facing away from you, with his right arm wrapped around his front. Your left hand must still be grabbing the opponent's right wrist. (This was supposedly a 'choke', with the bend of their elbow across their throat, even though you can't actually put your elbow across your own throat)
Even at the time when my friend was showing me this move, I was finding it hard to suppress my laughter.
Posted On:4/22/2006 10:07am
I love this thread and I have a bunch of things to put here but I thought I'd start with this one.
To all the people doing MT, I have learned that you do not know how to kick. The roundhouse kick as you know it is wrong and would not work in a real fight.
The right way to do it is to keep your leg completely straight. That's right knee fully extended. Now pull your toes back as far as you can toward your chin. Now when you kick do not aim for the thigh or lower leg as this would not work, you must aim for your opponents as*hole!
Yes you read that right. Your goal with this kick is to penetrate the rear end with your toes. Thats the "secret".
Now if you can project your chi through your toes you can do internal damage.
I will post more of these ridiculous things when I can.
Posted On:4/22/2006 10:24am
at a class pretending to be shorin ryu - segment of a kata interpretation....
kata movement: looks like a step in, mid block.
opponent steps back while punching, you step in and block. lol
they forgot the Mr. Miyagi rule: "Best defense against punch...no be there."
Posted On:4/27/2006 5:11am
Style: BJJ, Judo
Defense against a straight punch:
- Sidestep the punch and parry it with a pak sau...
- Lap sau the parried arm down with your other arm, while fak sau'ing to the neck with the pak sau hand...
- Low Pak with the hand that just Fak sau'd, and "Tiger's Mouth" to the neck with the hand that lap sau'd
- Step around the person whilst holding both the "Tiger's Mouth" and low pak in place
- Kick out other guys leg with your leg, and force down with the deadly "Tiger's Mouth", pushing him to the ground
- Chain punch to the death!!!!!!!!111
Pretty appropriate response, huh? Make sure the guy has agreed to stand around like a fucktard after he's thrown his "punch" otherwise it won't work the way it did for sifu... :toothy6:
Defense against a takedown
Just step into the takedown! because he is expecting you to go backwards!!!! but don't step in and knee, because then you will be momentarily out of stance, and thats not good wing chun! so simple and efficient and BULLSHIT
Posted On:4/27/2006 8:36am
Please don't tell anyone this:
Back in the day when I knew no better I was training with some sheep herded by a egocentric ex-door man. He took us for some situational awareness training at a local school (being of that age and thinking I required situational awareness whilst at school). When the class started he yelled for us that we have 5 seconds to find a good weapon to use (I guess when the school bully asks for your lunch money??? Who knows what kinda logic these McDojo intructors have) he then proceeded to walk to each person in the group and show some manevoures that could be done with the improvised weapon we each found. Seeing as we were at a school playground we all had sticks...every single one of us yet he still walked to each of us and showed us random slashing motions with the stick just like we had learnt with a knife every 4th lesson or so. Once all the slashing skills had been shown off we were also shown some nifty wrist locks we could do with the sticks, we just had to catch the aggressor's fist with the stick before applying the lock. Ahh, good times
Posted On:4/27/2006 12:28pm
OK lets see if this would work.
Knife defense: the knife is being held to your throat from behind. Using one hand press the knife into your throat because it can't cut you if it doesn't slide across the skin. Now groin strike with the other hand, pull the knife away from throat and execute spinning elbow to face.
Don't worry about controlling the knife at this point because attacker will drop it to hold their broken nose.
Who wants to try this first??
Club defense: the club is coming at a downward angle to your head. Block club with one hand while the other strikes across stomach with the back of open hand. Now raise the striking hand as if to throw a baseball and strike with open palm to the chest at a downward angle.
Attacker will fall helplessly to floor clutching chest.
This technique was followed by drill where you repeatedly strike a partner in the chest to see the effects of different angles and to see if they could tell when you were using chi.
The instructors did not participate in this drill but mocked us for our lack of chi projection.
Posted On:5/03/2006 5:02pm
Style: BJJ + Muay Thai n00b.
Someone should take the absolute worst techniques listed here, and present them in a "Deadly Streetfighting" manual and see how many he can sell to wannabe ninjas.
Posted On:5/03/2006 10:05pm
I just got back from miss Winner's and my friend just said (and I quote)," karate is great. Only 18 moves. Just grab somebodies nuts and chop them in the neck."
To which I said,"I feel dirty know, thanks."
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