Dear Judo

**Matt Phillips** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 10:11pm

Dear Judo,

**** you. I only took you out because your hotter Brazillian roomate wasn't available. I was willing to go along with your annoying interest in tachi waza, as long as you got on your back a couple of times a week; I was willing to indulge your your ridiculous obsession with tumbling, gymnastics and Yoga positions if that's what it took to get you rolling around on the ground with me. After all, I'm still trying to forget how my last date ended in premature ejaculation before I even got to hit it once. Really, I was going to pretend to be interested as long as you were going to put out.

Again: **** you.

First you insist on spending all our time in the sack bunched up in doggie-style position, making me practice arcane ways of turning you over, when you know full well it's only because I am a nice guy that I don't elbow you in the back of the head, and **** you in the ass. Then you promise me that we can do it for real, but only on Thursdays, and only for 6 weeks. FINE. fine.

So here it is, Thursday, everybody's paired off and ready to get hot and sweaty, I'm going over in my mind what I'm going to do to you, and how you're going to like it. I've even got a few new moves I learned from the Brazillian girl down the hall I want to try out on you, when you DROP THE BOMB: you're not putting out until I prove that I really, trully, totally love your stupid Ukemi **** by practicing breakfalls for 2 solid hours. While everyone else get's laid.

**** you, you fucking little tease. I've got news for you, bitch, ne waza is not an "advanced technique". Don't think you made me feel better by "teaching me" Kesa Gatame. Kesa Gatame is not putting out; Kesa Gatame is 1st fucking base, and I haven't got excited about getting to first base since junior high.

Here's the deal honey, either get on your back like a good girl and start rolling around with me, or I am saving up my pennies until I can afford that hot pro from Amazonia I saw advertizing on Craig's List.

****.

***jnp*** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 10:18pm

So you're upset that you had to practice ukemi instead of getting some hot turning the turtle love?

I think I just grossed myself out.

That was a funny rant. Now harden the **** up, Nancy.

**Colin** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 10:19pm

Your instructor made you spend the entire lesson on ukemi while the rest of the class = randori?

You screw his daughter or something?

**Matt Phillips** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 10:38pm

Originally Posted by jnp

So you're upset that you had to practice ukemi instead of getting some hot turning the turtle love?

I think I just grossed myself out.

That was a funny rant. Now harden the **** up, Nancy.

Not the instructor, we have a Nidan/BJJ brown who teaches a ne waza only class on Thursday night. It was the ancient old Rokudan (who I shall refer to as Wario) who was all "you no needa this stuff, you needa start atta the beginning" just because I suck monkey balls at doing front rolls. Now I missed tonight's material and will have no idea what they are doing next Thursday. And if I show up next Thurs, he'll probably just do the same thing again. Thursdays (unlike M,W,F) are real grappling, not just flipping turtles.

**Matt Phillips** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 10:41pm

Originally Posted by Colin

Your instructor made you spend the entire lesson on ukemi while the rest of the class = randori?

You screw his daughter or something?

To be fair, it wasn't 2 whole hours of ukemi; it was 90 minutes of back and side falls, followed by me having to pretend I didn't know what Kesa Gatami was, so as not to piss Wario off.

***battlefields*** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 10:44pm

Dear Judo, Y U No keep Matt Phillips satisfied?

**Matt Phillips** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 10:46pm

Dear Judo, Y U No keep Matt Phillips satisfied?

I'm totally going to freshcut that bitch and make her call me "Ian".

**Frank White** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 11:34pm

then skrew her til you crash.

***jnp*** · Posted On: 5/05/2011 11:52pm

Originally Posted by Matt Phillips

Not the instructor, we have a Nidan/BJJ brown who teaches a ne waza only class on Thursday night. It was the ancient old Rokudan (who I shall refer to as Wario) who was all "you no needa this stuff, you needa start atta the beginning" just because I suck monkey balls at doing front rolls. Now I missed tonight's material and will have no idea what they are doing next Thursday. And if I show up next Thurs, he'll probably just do the same thing again. Thursdays (unlike M,W,F) are real grappling, not just flipping turtles.

In all seriousness, I know how much that sucked. It's like you're a kid again, and you've been looking forward to playing with your friends after school all day. Then, when schools finally out, your parents tell you that they don't love you anymore, and that you have to get a job to pay rent if you want to stay.

I spent over two years being completely ignored by some of the higher ups where I trained. Can't say it didn't make me feel left out on occasion. However, in your case, if it's quality training and you're benefiting from it, you're going to have to put up with Wario for now.

**CrackFox** · Posted On: 5/06/2011 3:21am

So Matt, you felt you were ready to blow some judo minds with your fresh new BJJ moves, but your instructor felt you needed to work on your ukemi and scarf hold?

So either the guy doesn't know what he's doing - in which case I've got to question why you train with him in the first place - or you need to STFU and learn to walk before you run.