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  1. --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    A True Martial Artist Would Never…



    From among the fabulous world of BMA (Bullshit Martial Arts) we saw the rise of many great figureheads of entertainment the likes of which Zhang Sanfeng himself could never have envisioned. Hordes of arm waving form prancers who guard us from their deadliness by refusing to spar or back up their distance healing Qi levitation reiki claims. Over the years, these cream-of-the-crop elite dim makers had us laughing, crying, shitting our pants (but only because we were drunk,) drinking copious amounts of kerosene until we went blind, and at times doubting our own sanity… because in the real world no one could be that deluded. Right? Right…

    Among the multitudes of posts and bitchy whining about the injustices of the facial tea-bagging that is MMA, there is one common element keeps rearing it’s head throughout almost every investigation, flame thread, and all out brutal forum gang rape. At the slightest notion of **** hitting the fan, almost every one of the butt-hurt rapees runs for cover with “a true martial artist would never” <make me cry alone in my room, rape a donkey, insult a magic sifu, make sweaty love to my mother while I trained hard in the basement to keep the braying noises at bay, etc.>




    Ridiculous sense of entitlement aside, where did this notion of martial artists being knee crawling Confucian scholars with Ned Flanders’ sense of social etiquette come from? At what point did every sensei/sifu begin ending their class with internet etiquette 101? Most importantly, (as Omega brought up in a similarly titled thread,) why the **** do these people feel that anyone other than their students owes them anything other than “who the **** are you, and what qualifies you to give advice?”



    The answer may surprise you.
    Next, ancient China, and moral guidelines. Stay tuned.

  2. Ignorami is offline
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    Posted On:
    4/18/2011 4:21pm


     Style: Aikido / FMA / Krotty

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    subscribed


    When life gives you lemons... BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!

    "what's the best thing about aikido then?"
    "To be defeated by your enemies, to be driven by them from the field of battle, and to hear the lamentations of your women." ermghoti
  3. Permalost is offline
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    pro nonsense self defense

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    Posted On:
    4/18/2011 4:22pm

    supporting member
     Style: FMA, dumbek, Indian clubs

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A true martial artist would never start a thread like this! They're too busy training hard and being polite! Who is your teacher?!?! I'll bet he doesn't even have a 14th degree black belt!

    And I have a glandular problem, jerk!

    You'd better watch you back. Astral spies abound.
  4. Snake Plissken is offline
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    When I Get Back

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    Posted On:
    4/18/2011 4:28pm

    supporting member
     

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I see you working it, Monkey

    Expand this into a proper article and have a Moderator move it to Community Rants.
  5. donoraen is offline

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    Posted On:
    4/18/2011 5:11pm


     Style: Limalama

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I blame The karate kid.
  6. judoka_uk is offline
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    Posted On:
    4/18/2011 5:19pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    My expectations, they are raised.
  7. ironcastknight is offline

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    Posted On:
    4/18/2011 10:06pm


     Style: Kendo, Krotty

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    A true martial artist would never leave us hanging, lusting after more of this delicious flavor like bees suckling honey from the balls of Rorion Gracie, hallowed be the taint of his sack.
  8. Sri Hanuman is offline
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    Posted On:
    4/19/2011 7:00am

    Join us... or die
     Style: Cheng Man Ching Taijiquan

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    PART II: Digging Deep In the Dastardly Bowels of History

    Let us take a nostalgic glance back to the early 70s when Bruce Lee and Bruce Vilanche dominated the martial arts scene espousing death touch, Qi powers, mysterious old Chinese people, and an ambiguously structured path to enlightenment via punching and kicking the **** out of mostly Asian people in loosely fitting silk or neoprene pajamas.



    Hippies, being generally strung out and retarded to begin with, caught on to the craze, propagating the bowl cut, bell bottoms, and generally being total pussies, laying the groundwork for what would later become known as TMA. Back then, you couldn’t even do a snap kick without sprouting a handlebar moustache, and bitching about "the man" and the war in Viet Nam.

    As a result to this day, even at the slightest notion that martial arts are for hurting people, you get mob rushed by whiny fags who insist that the true purpose of martial arts is betterment of self, enlightenment (a term I will go on a rant about a later point,) and making sure Little Jimmy can be haphazardly drop-kicked into Mr. Wong’s TKD class so mommy can have the free time required to bang the pool boy and his cousin Rinaldo who has the best damn reefeer on this side of Amsterdam.

    You might be asking yourself, what brought on this seemingly sudden onrush of retardation and brain hemorrhaging derp? Why were hippies so fucking retarded? Why the **** did they find it necessary to **** all over martial arts with their pseudo-intellectual acid-fueled anti-rational drivel? To find out, we must lift even higher the mini-skirt of history, and take a curious gander at what lies beyound.
    Last edited by Sri Hanuman; 4/19/2011 7:26am at .
    =================
    Kama Sutra blue belt.

    Quote Originally Posted by Emevas View Post
    I used to **** guys like you in prison.
    Quote Originally Posted by Rock Ape View Post
    Dude I kill people for a fucking living.

    Dipshit
  9. Sri Hanuman is offline
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    Posted On:
    4/19/2011 7:23am

    Join us... or die
     Style: Cheng Man Ching Taijiquan

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    The tenets of a true martial artist: Historic origins revealed

    Back in the ancient days of China when all Chinamen knew kung fu and sported fabulous Qi powers, there was a brave and powerful emperor who practiced a super secret martial art that could defeat anything. One day, he was challenged by an opposing army of total douches. Being an emperor, he decided he didn’t have to prove anything to the opposing douchebag warring party, and thus, sent out an official proclamation stating the following:

    To you, liars, mockers, and false assumers who challenge me, I have nothing to prove. You are the worst kind of martial artists, and there is no benefit for me to meet with you. I am the Emperor of China. I will not tell you about my Sifu, because you are liars, mockers, and false assumers. I can not face you with my art, because it is too deadly. If we were to meet in combat, you would all die, and your ancestor’s Qi would be dishonored.



    Upon hearing this most brave and awesome proclamation, the opposing army shat themselves, and died of fright. Seeing this, the repentant emperor established new guidelines for everyone on earth who practiced martial arts from that day forward. Although those rules are lost to us in modern times, based on ancient mysterious lost texts we see today, we can assume that the rules were as follows:

    1. Thou shall not spar, because thou might kill your opponent, and you simply can’t have that guilt on your hands.

    2. You don’t have to be physically fit, because your Qi is strong enough to kill.

    3. Never accept challenges because it’s impolite, and not something a true martial artist would ever do. People just have to take you and your claims at word value, and blindly kowtow to any crap you spew, merely because you claim to be a sifu. Besides, you don’t want to get totally sweaty and winded, as though you just ran 5 ft.

    4. Never ever ever ask a sifu for proof or credentials, because it’s impolite, which is the worst thing you can be in the world of martial arts.

    5. If someone ever knocks you down during training, it’s because they are cheating by using hard style external force. Feel free to bitch about it.

    6. Working out and conditioning hampers your martial progress, and building muscles interrupts your qi flow. That’s why body builders are always unhealthy, and shaped like a pyramid. Tons of masters are thin and wiry, so that’s all the proof you need.

    7. Always be polite on the internet, because it’s in the martial code. If you aren’t polite to everyone who’s a sifu, you will never be a true martial artist, and will go to hell.

    8. Something about upholding honor, integrity, and defending your family and country. Sure you could join the Army, Navy, or the Air Force, but it’s too fucking difficult, you might actually get hurt, and they don’t have these fucking fabulous sashes and uniforms. Worst of all, you might actually be forced to uphold honor, integrity, and need to defend your family and country.

    9. Erle Montaigue was the first gwailo to ever go to Wudang despite not speaking a smidgeon of Mandarin, Cantonese, or Jinyu. So were the shitload of other guys.

    10. Passive aggressiveness in response to honest questions is a sign of integrity. Use it wisely.
    With these 10 commandments in place, the emperor died, and became immortal. We know this because no one found his body, therefore this is the only rational explanation.


    Next, the origins of Shaolin, and how it came to be influenced, and in turn, influence these moral tenets of TMA.


    Last edited by Sri Hanuman; 4/19/2011 7:32am at .
    =================
    Kama Sutra blue belt.

    Quote Originally Posted by Emevas View Post
    I used to **** guys like you in prison.
    Quote Originally Posted by Rock Ape View Post
    Dude I kill people for a fucking living.

    Dipshit
  10. Hiro Protagonist is offline
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    Has entered Barovia...

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    Posted On:
    4/19/2011 7:49am

    supporting member
     

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I'm on like Donkey Kong.
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