3 reasons why you are a terrible
human being fan
When Frank Mir fought Brockle Snar the first time, I vividly remember watching the fight at a friend’s house. It was interesting to watch a group of assholes who had the barest grasp of combat sports argue on who was going to win. I remember saying, “Frank Mir will probably knee bar him.” Which elicited responses ranging from, “NO HE IS TOO BIG AND HE WILL PUNCH HIM!” to “HOW CAN HE EVEN DO THAT” to “IS THAT EVEN LEGAL?!” I can’t remember if I killed myself or if I just vomited with immeasurable fury.
When it comes to combat sports, the one driving force behind the entirety of the business is, unfortunately, you. You, the fan. You, the jack ass. It is because of you that the entire world of combat sports does what it does: slowly slip its slimy old wrinkly hand slowly down the small of your back into your pants and get your money. So here are three reasons why you are a terrible
You don’t know what you want:
As a fan of the sports you think you know what you want to see. The big KO, the big submission, or maybe even the big brawl. I mean, surely, you must know exactly what it is that brings you the greatest of joys in the sport that you’ve so dedicated your life to that you’ve purchased all the exclusive apparel, right? The correct answer is no. You don’t. For the most part, you’re as confident in your choices as a 15 year old girl is in… pretty much any decision a 15 year old girl has to make. This is why you get so tired of Champions so quickly: You hate seeing someone reign at the top. I’m pretty sure it’s instinctual and you are just terribly insecure. All of you fickle assholes who were on the, “BOO ANDERSON SILVA” boat captained by Chael Sonnen quickly jumped ship when she capsized on her maiden voyage. Then when the Vitor Belfort train came along, all of you rode it into Capriciousville when you were all about Vitor taking the belt away from Silva RIGHT up until his SPECTACULAR knock out of the famed Brazilian. Then again, you had your knee-jerk reaction praise of Silva when most of you (read: 90%) had just stated how much you wanted him gone.
This forces the UFC and other organizations to place ridiculous standards on fighters and puts weird clauses in their contracts that they must continue to win, or lose their meal ticket. Because of how fickle you assholes are, fighters have to concentrate on their win/loss ratio more than the actual fights themselves. Which on the surface doesn’t look bad, but it makes fighters more cautious and thus more willing to fight “safe” and warily rather than go for broke and make it an exciting fight. I mean, why go for the big KO and risk your contract when you can just wrestle and stall out the guy and win on points, right? And it comes full circle when you nancies start complaining about how boring the fights are. So really, it’s your fault all because you can’t make up your prissy, weak, baby minds.
You love a circlejerk
I love the internet, but I hate the people who use it. Whenever a consensus from the council of people who obviously know what they’re talking about (aka internet forums) get together and expertly analyze a fight to come to their brilliant (and expert!) conclusions, it usually echoes with the sound of retardation in the cave of absurdity. We all live as over-privileged and over-entitled assholes who love to state opinions as facts on the internet thinking the world will take it as gold and start printing them as currency in Somalia or whatever. And when you can’t think of your own, you immediately scour the whole of the internet for that enlightened truth to the current topical issue (read: Sherdog) until you do. Then you repeat it… a lot. You “twitter” it, you “facebook” it, you whatever else social network it. And it catches on. You get together with your friends and you all unzip your proverbial pants, and start slowly stroking your egos. Soon more people see that you’re all having a good time stroking each other and the circle begins. You guys get louder and louder until every last one of you has spent their respective intellectual load repeating the same thing they read on a forum a few days ago. My example, you ask? Every single thread ever created on the internet that was about a combat sport event.
You don’t know what you’re talking about
I know you’re going to take this right up the poop chute, but trust me when I say this: you really have no idea what you’re on about. Most of the time, you are chair-coaching from the comfort of your middle-class house, shouting stuff at the internet like an autistic 4-year-old yelling at his Lego Blocks. You apply some bizarre litany that you’ve created based on your experience (none whatsoever) and shout it very loudly. The problem with this is you really don’t understand what you’re saying. I know that you’re just trying to be relevant and knowledgeable and I understand that, but it makes you an ignorant piss. And you’re also fat and balding, which is equally as crippling when it comes to credibility. For example, when Gabe Ruediger didn’t make weight that one time, none of you considered that he was severely ill. No, couldn’t be. It must be because he loves cake, right? Right, guy who huffs twinkies and has Pepsi on an IV drip? Or when Forrest Griffin took off after his fight with Anderson Silva, the general consensus was that he was being a “bitch” or a “*****” for leaving. Clearly, it couldn’t be because you are a massive cancer that doesn’t understand the INTENSE amount of emotional pressure that someone is under when fighting. Imagine if every time you went to work 10 million people watched your every move, analyzed every single thing you did, and criticized any mistake you made… with photoshop and youtube. You’d be even more of a drunk than you already are and your wife would have to explain how she fell down the stairs twice in one weekend.
So how do you avoid these fatal mistakes? Stop being a douche. Every time you think you’ve come up with some conclusion, just tell yourself that you are probably wrong and you don’t even know what you’re talking about. The joy of the early UFC’s were exciting because nobody knew what to expect. It was new and had a feeling of freshness, like your first girlfriend (LOL, like you know). The journey of learning is so much more fun than knowing. Of course none of you want to make that journey in combat sports. Instead, you just want to pretend that you’re relevant and know what’s going on. Don’t worry, you don’t, and secondly, nobody cares if you do. In the same way that nobody cares that you read that one book for that one movie before it came out.
Stay Classy Internet.