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How to Start Your Very Own Bullshido Spin-Off Forum in Three Easy Steps!
So Timmy, you're really upset! Those big meanies at Bullshido have not given you the respect you feel you deserve? Well we've got the solution for you!
Start your own Web Forum!
That's right, you can start your own web forum where you never have to read the posts of anyone who disagrees with your ideas or calls you on bullshit, ever.
Did I mention ever? That's right, your own web forum will give you the ability to:
- Lock Threads. Discussion not going your way? Just lock it down! And while you're at it, make sure you get the last word in before you do, for maximum effect!
- Delete Posts. Is that post not respectful enough? Did the person say "asshole" instead of "butthole"? Did they call themselves a "Pain in the Ass" instead of a "Pain in the Donkey"? Well, just like the Catholic Church, you can erase any proof that a traumatic event ever happened!
- Establish Your Worth. Were you feeling like a minnow in a big pond? Were you not made a moderator, administrator, or even just considered a core member of the site? Well you can fix that buddy! By selecting an option from a simple drop-down menu, you can be given all the authority one can handle. And every time you exercise that authority, it's like scoring a touchdown with the Nuclear Football! You'll practically soil the front side of your underwear with the excitement.
But how do I make this happen?
Don't fear Timmy, this is the easy part. Just follow our step-by-step instructions and you too can validate your existence while sheltering your views from disagreeable people in no time!
Step 1. Be the Butthurt. You can't start your own spin-off forum without sincerely being butthurt about something. What that something is doesn't really matter. It could be the fact that people aren't using your balls as a swingset, to the fact that someone called you an old coot. Maybe you were made fun of for believing in Astral Projection. Or perhaps you're a racist who attacks women you outweigh by eighty pounds. It's even possible that you're having an emotional crisis when you realized that age has rendered all your hard-learned combat skills essentially impotent should an angry young bull want to slap your girlfriend on the rear when you're out for a night on the town.
Regardless, as long as you sincerely believe in your cause, it doesn't matter what it is - heck, it doesn't even have to have a basis in rational fact.
The amount of irrational emotion is the key!
That's the secret! Don't waste your time doing all that stupid "thinking". A real spin-off site feeds on hurt feelings, fear, and anger to grow; just like Vigo from Ghostbusters 2!
Step 2. Inspirational Figure. It doesn't matter if you're just some schlub, as long as you find someone who's not as schlubby as yourself to look up to. Yes, the second key to creating a successful spin-off site is to identify an individual who has a bunch of other people going bareback on his netherparts.
Why do you need this? Because, nobody gives a crap about what you think, right? You wouldn't be in this position if they did. And that's why getting someone who others might give a crap about, as the cornerstone of your new spin-off, is absolutely essential!
Remember, you're not starting a mainstream movement here, geared at people who can handle conflicting opinions and open discourse.
You're going after the fringe!
So fringe it up! Make sure the Peter on which your
churchforum is built is a certified character. Reasonable men don't make for great figureheads. Seriously, have you ever seen a pundit on TV that was someone you wanted to follow (unless you're into raping and murdering girls in 1990)?
Your new leader needs to be a calculated cross between Barack Obama and Fred Phelps. The amount of batshit necessary will be something you can decide on your own. It can range from "Lives in a van down by the river" to "Sings the hymns just a little bit too loudly in church". But what it can't be, is missing.
Step 3. Pass Out the Kool-Aid. Any group needs refreshments to keep up its strength. And while the cake may be a lie, the kool-aid must never be. You should always have at least one flavor (preferably Red), ready to go in large buckets, any time more than two people are actively posting on your new forum.
But it's not just the kool-aid itself which is important.
Mix it up!
A good batch of fringe group kool-aid can't just be two quarts water, 4 scoops sugar, and a packet, stir vigorously. You have to add in "extra" ingredients if it's going to taste believable. Some of these ingredients include:
- Smugberry Juice - helps you feel both accomplished and justified in your decision and eases the pangs of loneliness from missing out on discussions with more than the same five or six people over and over again.
- Vanilla Extract - Because pretty much everyone on your new community is going to be white.
- Sriracha Sauce - Your members may be all suburbanite goobers, but that won't stop you from expressing your genuine Asianosity!
- Holy Water - it's much better than tap water, and lets you feel like you're not just blindly groping in the dark for answers.
By following the above steps, you'll be off to running your own spin-off forum within about twenty-four hours!
(Of course, if said forum lasts twenty-four months you'll be setting a record.)