Tekken: aka GADDAMN YOU Bullshido
This isn't going to be a straight forward review of the movie, nor the game, which admittedly, I don't know much about. This will be a rambling and shambling stream-of-consciousness purging of all things in relation to my now jaundiced manner of watching the kung-fu movies I so love.
The trailer is in Japanese cuz I had trouble finding it in English, so just deal with it.
As I have stated previously, I loves me some fightin' movies. We all do, which is how must of us closeted and not so-closeted geeky dorks stumbled our deadly-having fantasy asses to the dojo in the first place.
Depending on your era, you wanted to be Sonny Chiba or Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris or Jet Li or Jackie Chan or Tony Jaa (or in It Is Fake's case, all Five Deadly Venoms especially Lu Feng and Lo Meng).
The only think I like better than fightin' movies is fightin' movies about a fightin' tournament....cuz it's like LOTS more fightin'. You don't just get to see one type O' fightin', aw hell no. You get like LOTS O' types of fightin'. It's like the combo platter or FIGHTIN', you get the FIGHTIN' from each column.
Bloodsport. The Quest. Mortal Kombat. DOA: Dead of Alive. Well, DOA had tons of scantily clad hot chicks fightin' and I can appreciate that in any art form, but you dorks get the point, it appeals to the style-vs-style argument which finds its way onto Bullshido almost daily.
Anyhow, this rant is about how, since finding the Bullshido, I can no longer enjoy my fightin' movies in the same manner as previously. And lucky for you fuckers, I chose Tekken. Why are you lucky? Cuz.
I am an idiot so I imported this blu-ray from Japan a few months ago and watched it and thought it was pretty good, not great by any stretch, but not overly horrible. It's a good time waster while eating after training. I decided to watch it again the other night, which spurred my rant.
I never played the video game. Well, I probably did, I just don't really remember it too much. Not like that old Karate Champ game that JCVD PWNZ Ogre with in Bloodsport. I recall Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, but not so much with Tekken.
I came across the movie through my normal OCD-type searches. Looking for stuff done by dudes that I liked their **** from other things. Like in Tom Yum Goon/Warrior King/The Protector. I liked Lateef Crowder and will do IMDB searches and that's how I came up with Tekken. I call it the "That Dude That Played That Dude In..." syndrome.
Anyhow, the premise is basic: Fightin' Tournament. The subplot is fucking useless and meaningless and stilted and forced and is merely an excuse for fucking Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa to wear a retarded wig and **** and for the producers to include that Sick Puppies song....but I am digressing. This rant is about FIGHTIN' MOVIES.
Each corporation sends a fighter to this tournament, but the star JIN THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP gets there by defeating Cung Le
who, of course, kicks ass and should have never lost to the "Wushu dude from Tom Yum Goong"...but, as I will discuss, realism isn't a factor. Casting Cung and Gary Daniels and Lateef Crowder were strokes of genius and much of the other **** were the results of a stroke.
The fighters, of course, all have different styles, which is what leads me to this rant:
why the **** spend the time establishing all these fighters have "unique" styles only to have them all go out and essentially do TKD?
Granted, there is a couple of armbars here and there, mostly from JIN THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP! but not from the people who should be doing them.
Gary Daniels as Bryan Fury, POWAH Boxer and Ke?po. Lots of POWAH boxing, not much Ke?po...which is OK, cuz the POWAH boxing looked good and, well he's like cybernetic and **** and you pretty much know what you are getting when you cast Gary Daniels.
I kinda like that Daniels is getting a second wind on his career after pretty much doing D-list work for years.
We got Eddie Gordo, the Capoeira guy played by Lateef Crowder, who is destined to always be "the Capoeira guy" in any movie that needs "a Capoeira guy" cuz he makes Capoeira look. Unless he gets that gig in the new Mortal Kombat movie as Baracka
Then...it starts getting silly.
First, here is the Capoeira guy fighting Raven, their ninja. Yes, that is a ninja. Their sunglassed, neon spandex clad ninja, whom I affectionately deem Lord Asia. When I think ninja, I think superfat or superskinny or Rain in Ninja Assassin. THIS ISN'T A NINJA. THIS is Dennis Rodman in that JCVD movie Double Team.
You got a Cambo/Sambo/Sombo Fighter who ain't doin' Sombo. Not one foot fondle, unless you count him throwin' out some 360s. When I think of Sam/Cam/Sombo, I think theotherserge and Sambo Steve tickling one another tootsies, not a Russian Military Uniform wearing Hwang Jang Lee clone. Damn. And also another excuse to post a hawtchix.
You got two female assassins, trained in the deadly art of Aikido.
again, they are scantily clad hot chicks and I can appreciate that, however when I think Aikido, I think Dave Humm and this hot chick/Dave Humm paradox severely confuses me. If every Aikido bunny looked like either or both of those two, Imma be doin' a whole mess O' wrist grabbin'.
Which brings us finally to the super-hawt Christie Monteiro. The "mixed martial artist, trained by her grandfather" whom is first introduced to us while she is doing her bagua forms. Yes. Bagua forms. Granted, she does walk around in low-cut, tight and short outfits with cutaways showing her asscrack
AND I CAN APPRECIATE THIS....however, why is she essentially doing TKD, the same as the Cam/Sam/Sombo fighter, the ninja, the Aikido assassin twins, etc? She fought the Aikido chick and there wasn't any MMA or Aikido there. Just hawtchix doing TKD the way the Good Lord Intended Them To Be Doin'. HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE SPANDEX AND PASS THE KLEENEX.
Again, I digress.
Anyhow, this is just a capsulized version of how this website has affected my suspension of disbelief when watching these types of films. The more educated we become about what is "real" and "plausible" and "how things should look", sometimes the less entertaining fantasy becomes and the more entertaining reality becomes.
I can still *enjoy* the films, but find myself saying:
"I guess if it ain't flashy, they gotta find a way to make it flashy"