The Martial Development Blog - How Do Armbar?
Ahoy Bullies! We're revisiting the subject of a previous "Forum F-ery Friday" because we only skimmed the surface of the tragicomedy potential this site has. So close the curtains, loosen your gi pants, and get ready for some pig-like squealing!
Although this column is called "How Do Armbar", we strongly suspect the Author (and some of the readership) of The Martial Development blog wouldn't know an Armbar from a Salad Bar. Hell, he probably wasn't even allowed on the monkey bars during recess, under threat of being made fun of by the class girls for wearing his pants up to their armpits and spitting when talking.
In fact, the entire blog reads like it was penned by someone while stuffed in a locker by the members of the junior high wrestling team. It seeps with bitter, poorly-reasoned, and pseudointellectual contempt for those who pursue hard contact Martial Arts, while ass-pulling justifications for non-contact styles and mystical bullshit. Just like the rantings of any other dweeb forced to live on the fringes of a social group because of their poor character traits (or hygiene), "Chris" seeks out the company of others similarly ostracized. Once together, they enter into a collective mindset that disdains the larger group ("dumb jocks", "preppies", etc), makes excuses for their outsider status ("we're different/special, they're sheep"), and progressively drifts further from the social norms that they had trouble grasping in the first place.
In the Martial Arts world, I predicted this would happen years ago; as MMA rose in popularity, those practicing bullshido styles and training methods would get shuffled off to the fringe. But I also explained that this would have the dual effect that can be seen with any other fringe group: the more marginalized they are, as their numbers dwindle, those remaining will be even more fervent in their commitment to their faulty thinking.
The good news is that this relieves us of the burden of having to give a crap about people like "Chris". This is because they've chosen to put themselves beyond reason, logic, and most importantly, the effort it'd take to bring them into the greater social group known as "people without their heads up their asses".
And that means we grant ourselves license to have fun at their expense. Lets begin.
This portion of a blog post on "The Unwritten Rules of MMA" makes my brain go all hurtyfied. I've been posting on the Internet since shortly after Al Gore created it, but until now I've never come across a collection of words that both overstates the fucking obvious, and at the same time, completely misunderstands the subject it references. This paradox has created a small wormhole in my brain and now I can't remember what my Grandmother looks like. Thanks a lot, asshole:
Then there's this gem. As pretty much everyone in our MMA forum predicted, shortly after Lyoto Machida won his first fight in the UFC, the tradfappers waddled out of their holes with sore forearms, chaffed netherparts, and a grossly mistaken sense of validation.
But if comparing your strip-mall karate to Lyoto Machida's were a character in a shounen anime, this blog post is a Super Saiyin 3 Fusion with the Kyuubi while going Bankai after eating the Baka-Baka fruit:
Notice how Aldo doesn't make bird wing gestures, or deliver the kick from a planted stance. Notice how it's not even a goddamn kick in the first place.
Yes, this idiot is so overcome with empty-handed love that he confuses a standard Muay Thai flying knee, straight out of Ong Bak, for a Crane Kick, straight out of The Karate Kid. Let's not even bring up the fact that the Crane Kick was completely made up for that movie and is not even an actual karate technique.
And finally (yes, finally, my fucking head hurts too much to put more effort into this), we are treated to what must be the single best example of why this blog is not only a stain on the Martial Arts community, but on the Internet as a whole.
He tries to take credit for Chuck Norris jokes.
Of course, Chuck Norris jokes were just rip-offs of Vin Diesel jokes. And the concept behind that was stolen from the SNL "Bill Brasky" sketch. But if you're a social outcast like Chris, when a popular kid notices you you've got to make the most of the situation by cramming your nose deep in his ass in the hopes of having some of his awesomeness rub off onto you.
And that, ladies and ungentlemen, is the dharma of The Martial Arts Development blog. Meditate on that, if you will.