my review would just be the words "sweet" in large letters
here goes nuffin
CRANK2: CHEV CHELLIOS HAS TO KEEP HIS HEART ON (actual tag line)
It's hard to describe something like Crank 2. It's literally hard to describe.
But I'll give it a shot.
Are you, dear reader, familiar with the term "Freebase?"
You know what orange juice in a concentrate tube is? Stuff that you dilute to make more end-user level orange juice? Base is like that, but for cocaine.
On the street, we know it, with slight modification, as crack.
Because some asshole, to paraphrase Denis Leary, took cocaine and decided it wasn't strong enough.
Well, if you saw Crank and thought, "This is awesome, but not quite over the top enough"
You're that asshole.
And Crank 2 is your movie.
Still not getting it?
I'll make you a chart:
The "plot" is as follows: Our hero, Chev Chellios, so impressed the news-watching public with the exploits chronicled in Crank that he caught the attention of a 100 year old triad boss in need of a heart transplant.
He concludes that Chev must have some sort of super-constitution to be capable of such bullshit and so he sends a team to literally shovel Chellios up from his crater just before life flees his body.
Cut three weeks forward in time. Chev wakes up in the wake of a heart extraction. He's been given a mechanical heart to sustain his body, because the triad boss has decided he wants a full set of new, cockney organs.
The heart takes a battery. The battery runs for an hour at a time. The battery has a transdermal power system that allows it to absorb power through the skin.
Chev's doctor buddy can put his real heart back, if he can find the jaded, sexually bizarre, masochistic nihilist triad courier running it across town before time runs out, but an unknown player called The Ferret keeps interfering.
That's the plot. That's practically the script.
What proceeds is two hours of movie that you'd get if you gave Robert Hamburger a 100 million dollar budget and a full effects crew.
Following is a partial list of awesome things in this movie
some of them are spoilers, so read at your own risk.
Are you convinced yet?
Well, there's also a guy on fire, and a ton of movie violence.
This movie is...well, faithful to premise. It's fast. It's jerky. It's mean and nasty and funny and the humor involves **** that isn't supposed to be funny and you're kind of a dick if you laugh, but you will.
It's pure entertainment, a feature-length chase that simply and continuously invokes the rule of cool the entire time the reels are turning.
In summation: Crank is a movie for assholes and 14 year old boys. A movie not for movie critics, pussies, your mom, or epileptics.
I give it 6 out of 5 nunchucks
go see it
If enough people go see it, they're gonna make Crank 3d.