Diary of an undergraduate Wing Tsunner aged 18 1/2
What follows is a genuine historical document. Some names, places, events, and sequences of events have been changed to protect identities.
Monday 15 September 1997
Well today was my first day at Cambridge University! I'm so glad I got in to do Economics, it's a really interesting course! and also now I'm at university I can finally go to pubs and get a girlfriend.
My older brother Quentin told me to join lots of societies at Freshers' Fair to make friends and meet girls, so that's what I did. I joined the Chess society, the Einstein society, the Astronomy society and the Maths society - but the best of all is the Wing Tsun club!
I'm sure you've never heard of Wing Tsun, dear Diary, because you are a diary. Wing Tsun was the first martial art of Bruce Lee! That's right, I'm going to become a deadly kung-fu fighter! I am so happy today. I have to call my teacher "Shifu", which means "teacher" in Chinese.
Shifu said that Wing Tsun, or WT as they call it, is the most effective martial art there is, because it's simple and scientific, and it devastates all other styles. He also called it "the thinking man's Kung Fu" - perfect for me with my IQ! (147 at last count!) He also warned me that there are other similar styles, they call themselves things like Wing Chun or Ving Tyong (how blatant is that?) but their "grandmasters" never learnt the whole system, so they could easily be defeated by our Grandmaster if they had a fight! Our Grandmaster learnt the secret techniques from the Great Grandmaster in secret lessons, after he retired.
Another cool thing is that we don't have to do sparring. I used to hate the sparring when I did karate when I was 7. That kid Eric always used to kick me in the face! But WT's strikes are so dangerous that they are strictly for emergency situations, and cannot be used in sparring.
I had to pay for 3 years of tuition up front, which cost most of my student loan (Ł3500) but it's a great deal because it's 30% less than if you pay monthly! Annoyingly I also had to pay for a uniform, which was Ł50, and insurance which is Ł100 for the year. There's a grading every 2 weeks, and after 12 grades I'll be a technician. That means Black Sash! And the first 4 grades are only Ł30 each! So now I have a totally cool uniform with a big fist up the backside of the T shirt, and with chinese slippers just like in the movies.
Anyway diary I have to go, I'm off to the student's union for some snakebites with the other guys from my corridor! Hopefully I'll see that girl Harriet with the glasses who was at my Intro to Quantum Physics taster class.
Thursday 18 September 1997
I had my first WT lesson today. It was really, really cool. There were 3 other guys from Economics there! It really must be the thinking man's Kung Fu. The hall was really cool, there are photos of the Grandmasters and a set of big knives on the wall! We learnt the First Form, which is kind of scientific and Chinese at the same time. It's called Siu Lim Tao - which means "little idea". The forms are the 'dictionary' of WT. Once you know the words, you can start to speak (or beat up thugs as it's known, Shifu said, and everyone laughed!).
Shifu says that the Wing Chun and Ving Tsyung people don't understand the First Form. You point your toes together and squeeze your knees together, as if you were holding a book between your knees. Wing Chun people think this is for fighting on boats or in rice fields. How ridiculous! It's actually a scientific stance that works through advanced theories of power generation.
We also did chain punching. Shifu is amazing at this - he can punch 8 times a second in the air! we timed him! There's no way in the world anyone could defend that.
I'm going to the Fresher's Ball tonight, I'm definitely going to show my new Wing Tsun moves if I manage to meet any girls! Hopefully they'll think I'm edgy and dangerous. I just hope I can drink enough snakebite so I can pluck up the courage to talk to them. Maybe Harriet will be there! I'm sure to have sexual intercourse soon! Thanks Shifu!!!