HOW DO ARMBAR?: MMA Forum Edition
This month, Bullshido is making fun of Mixed Martial Arts. Making fun of the actual sport or the schools that teach it is hard and requires some real stretching to make up jokes that wouldn't get you yanked off the internet with a comical giant cane. Making fun of the fans and their forums, however, is easy. If 5th-generation trolls engaging in circlejerks or the comically untrained giving/requesting advice on BJJ 101 material isn't funny, then... well actually it's pretty painful too.
This forum has a reputation for being rabidly anti-UFC and anti-MMA.TV, but manages to make the experience that much more painful by having a forum system that's actually worse than The Underground.
There's been a lot of talk about Floyd's "ignorant" challenge to Chuck Lidell and the ensuing response from Dana White, but I'll bet if there were more people actually posting at FightSport this thread would converge to talking about a match between a boxing kangaroo and one of those bears that wear the little hats and drive go-karts.
SpladdelSUB takes the term "nutrider" to a whole new level.
Crappy TMA will stop you from getting laid, but training in MMA will give you an STD.
FightSport has several TUG members that they like to do daily reports on, and they are just as successful as all the other forums dedicated to obsessing over better ones. Which is to say not at all.
While uploading this image, I received a message from Bullshido poster GraveDigger stating that he has bet Hiroshi $1000 Dana White will, in fact, NOT burn a cross at UFC 71 if Rampage beats Chuck.
Uh... yeah, time to move on. Who's our next forum?
This forum actually inspired Aesopian and I to write a paper on "MMA Pretenderism" a few years ago, and while much has changed, Sherdog is still home to some mind-numbingly stupid posts. Fortunately some of the better trolls make up for it.
Haha, joke's on you! Now that Dana White controls Pride, Soko just won't get any more fights because he's bl- oh wait, that was the first page.
Much like the Silva-Fedor hybrid in his avatar, I'm convinced they grow posters like lyoung in some sort of lab.
I've seen a lot of posters that ask stupid questions about the magic dust that's supposed to catapult them to the world championship, but this is the first time I've seen someone consider binging on Twinkies to improve their punching power.
I read this post several times before I figured out he might be talking about downward strikes with the point of the elbow, but in doing so I lost more brain cells than receiving ten actual elbows to the face. threnody is a technical wizard and should release a DVD set immediately.
Yeah, they could have mistaken you for the original assailant, or they might have just seen you shin a drunk guy in the neck. Context is everything.
Old, stuffy judoka like to claim they had everything taught in BJJ before taking BJJ was cool. After seeing this I'll concede that they were, in fact, the pioneers of bandwagon mentality.
HOW DO ARMBAR? brings you its namesake technique in the format of a thought experiment.
When you combine his "Gracie Hunter" avatar, post and signature together, the resulting contradiction has been known to induce dizziness, nausea and vomiting in anyone who has actually trained in a martial art for more than three months.
With that thought in mind, I'd suggest anyone with a BJJ blue belt or higher get themselves a bucket for our next page....
What's this? Bullshido featured in its own column mocking web forums? Not exactly. You see, one of Bullshido's members actually embodies everything that sucks about MMA, its fans and, through a very generous stretching of the term, its practitioners. Not only was he inferior at posting martial arts-related articles compared to a bot (R.I.P. NewsGimp), but the Department of Homeland Security was able to make an 8-page thread consisting entirely of his horrible posts about training and techniques. The collection was so embarrassing that he actually used his mod powers to hide it from public view.
Fortunately, that's not enough to escape my government spies.
While this sequence is probably funny enough if you just read the timestamps along with the actual posts, I'll add to that for you: Imagine someone who spent the dawn of his 15,000 post career posting "LOL" and "bwahahaha" in response to pictures of grappling positions. Now picture him trying to slam someone from guard while concealing his uncomfortable boner.
Unfortunately, in addition to Pizdoff not being able to wrestle, this thread was not titled "Need help on getting swept by anyone with half a brain".
Pizdoff posts about shrimping on concrete from the open and closed guard, and how raising your hips off the floor while doing so is a magical revelation. A better street-applicable technique for him would be walking or taking the bus to a grappling school.
For Pizdoff, competition is a spectator sport. It's sort of like when they televise the demolition of a building on the evening news, or when people in Detroit burn down a crack house.
Remember everyone: If someone has you in their guard in a street fight, they clearly know less than your untrained ass and will be handily defeated by everything you learned watching Wanderlei's hilight reel. You know, because anything done by one of the top middleweights in the world is trivially easy.
The use of the phrase "anti-grapple" should tell you he still hasn't taken a proper grappling class at this point.
These articles aren't supposed to allow for embedded sound, so just imagine you have a recording of me screaming "JESUS CHRIST GO TO CLASS!" at the top of my lungs. There would be a couple pauses where I broke down and started sobbing.
Pizdoff hid these posts, but didn't include the following two pages of people telling him the drill made no sense and he should join a real school. Remember, everyone is crazy but you, including the BJJ blue belt who could probably out-strike you worse than the Thai boxer who out-grappled you (see past Toronto throwdowns).
I have nothing to add to caption this image with, so I'll just tell you about the time Pizdoff came to my BJJ school and afterwards complained how he got owned by everyone because he was forced to wear a gi and the school's top black belt wasn't.
Tune in next month, since by then one of the above posters may have actually taken a class. Or they might just order another DVD set because training is, like, way harder than talking about it.