HOW DO ARMBAR?: Aikido Edition
Welcome to the March 2007 edition of "HOW DO ARMBAR?", Bullshido's monthly themed column for making fun of your martial art. Yes, yours specifically. This month's featured style is Aikido, and while compiling these posts from other forums it reminded me of the proverbial bullet I dodged several years ago. You see, back when I was waking up from a Karate McDojo nightmare, I was looking to cross-train and "supplement" my training with some form of grappling. My known choices at the time were Judo or Aikido, and I thankfully chose Judo which led to me finding Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu at one of of the best schools in the country. Reading these forums was like that part in It's A Wonderful Life where George gets to see what the world would be like if he'd never been born, but instead of not being born I was wearing a hakama and benchmarked my skill on how well I can off-balance a drunken man with an inner-ear problem.
I personally didn't make a Ki ball because I was over on one of the other mats resurrecting a chicken.
Some days I wish we still lived in a society where we could subject these people to dunking cages.
If this post were true and Ueshiba really was gifted with a enlightened superhuman mind, I still doubt he'd be able to figure out what it was trying to say about him and his art.
Does anyone remember the Moons of Jupiter aikidoka who would shower with his students? This is what happens when you cross him with a Tool song and a carnival palm-reader.
I'm personally more interested in the ability to summon speeding buses from thin air than the ability to throw people without touching them.
The main problem with this post isn't that this guy jumps black belts after class or even that he can beat them up, but that he thinks you can swim on a "matt".
If you're going to whimper and flee from an unarmed grappler you might want to change that signature.
While you're busy negating the athleticism and other secondary benefits of proper training, you might as well have your "pure self-defense" situation include the aikidoka riding a unicorn.
Martial Arts Planet's Aikido forum
I suppose seiza position doubles as drilling for this kind of thing.
Since my limited experience with aikijujitsu consisted of someone trying to poke me behind the ear from under mount, I'm guessing that's one of the techniques that required ki (since it didn't work).
Since an observer cannot feel functional aikido being applied, its application cannot be filmed and no one knows whether or not it requires ki, achieving proficiency in the art causes you to become intangible, invisible and unquantifiable by the laws of modern science.
It's too bad that if you bought his book you're probably already dead on the inside.
Aikido must make you one with some other universe since you obviously don't live in ours.
I used to think wing chun lineage wars were bad, but at least they've moved past the point of deciding whether or not their art allows them to punch.
This anatomy lesson by one of the MAP staff members might explain why the aikidoka who switched over to my BJJ club got the nickname "Frankenstein".
I think I've finally constructed what Aikido is: It's 90% atemi which you aren't doing if you're kicking or punching and you use the muscles of the opponent that you don't have in order to not fight him while you run away. Once you satisfy all these contradictions you will achieve world peace, and we can all wear nice little hats and skip around holding hands while being smug about the complexity of our art.
monsterland: Scourge of Something Awful's Ask/Tell forum
(Disclaimer: Something Awful is a great forum, but unfortunately typical aikido passive-aggressiveness slides through the cracks. It's analogous to how the art only works if you can call the police when someone makes you cry.)
"If a famous person follows along with my implausible scenario and puts themself in a ridiculous position then Aikido can work. Oh yeah, I also need to do this in a bus." The quoted post got about five similar responses, each more incredulous than the last.
Oh yeah, well what if I drive the bus into a ring? THEN WHAT, HUH?
"Bigger"? "Can be developed into"? It sounds like Aikido is an obese man who needs to be put on a treadmill before he can physically fit into an MMA octagon.
In closing we give you not an internet post about Aikido, but a demonstration of Aikido as applied to internet posting.
If any aikidoka are offended by this article, you will be glad to know that your terrible posts have driven me to drink and thus be transformed into your ideal opponent. Should you wish to exact revenge by not confronting me and being condescending about how complicated your art is, I will further add to your advantage by taking the bus home.