One of the stories that's often told about martial arts is how someone observed the movements of animals fighting and was inspired to apply them to real life. Well, here's a true story from my life.
When I was a kid I had a friend whose mom kept a shih tzu and a poodle -- both tiny. The shih tzu had a bad leg and a high-pitched yelp. The poodle had some sort of brown deformity over one of its eyes. I used to watch the poodle constantly try to mount and ass-**** the shih tzu who didn't enjoy being penetrated by another male. The two of them would run around in circles, yelping and limping, jumping and humping. Tragic didn't begin to describe this frequent scene.
When I think back to that sad little pair of dogs, I realize that they looked downright dignified compared to you two.
Please take your ridiculous little slap-fight into the realm of PM so that no one else has to have their heart broken by witnessing it.