Clearly wing chunz for teh winz
Clearly wing chunz for teh winz
That is why I have a pistol permit.
I would just shoot him.
OR GOING BERSEKER
Make a sling out of my T-**** and launch a rock at the guy
I have the ultimate secret advanced tip that normally I charge $14,000 per seminar each participant to teach Black Belt SAS Covert Street International Terrorist SWAT team members. I'm only releasing this information because I want YOU to be protected and to be able to protect your loved ones because of the increase in the use of crime statistics to show that you should be scared of anything resembling a street, including but not limited to, laneways, highways and your own driveway.
1. Hold up one finger in the universal sign for "wait" and bend down to undo your shoelaces as you need to be completely uninhibited. I try to wear shoes without shoelaces so that I can skip this step because time is of the essence here, people, and untying your shoelaces in the middle of a life or death situation is, quite frankly, ridiculous. I mean, really, dude has a knife, it's fucking stupid to undo your shoelaces at this stage, fucking hell, BAM, you, your family, everyone you love and a couple of people you like, maybe you met them at a party a couple of times and got along with them and later you said to your partner, "you know what, I had a really good chat with [insert person's name] tonight, some really interesting viewpoints on [topic you discussed]", is now dead.
2. You need to concentrate deeply, imagining the upcoming physical altercation in as much detail as possible. Ever seen that movie Hero with Jet Li? Banish that from your memory, it won't help you here. You need to imagine every possible movement, like your opponent was about to play chess and your life is the King and your limbs are Pawns and the Queen is able to move any way she likes except like a Knight, because Knights can only move a certain way. You must plan to execute a strategy that completely overcomes your assailant, I'd suggest starting with a Rook to make room for the Bishop to angle across his face so that it taunts him to take the Bishop, but he has two knives and is possibly a crack addict so he might just call the bluff because he has a Royal Flush. Either way, this isn't a game.
3. Make sure that in your mind's eye you can not only see everything, but smell, touch and hear everything as well. You'll have to use your mind's nose, your mind's nervous system and your mind's ears in order to do this properly. Envisage, ensmellage, enhearage and entouchage your victory, including adding a "Life Event" of "Beat duel knife wielding maniac" to your Facebook Timeline, then editing it because you actually meant "dual", even though it isn't that bad of a typo.
4. With the strategy in your mind, prepare your body. Some people like to tweak their nipples... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZgYICJCnL4
...some people defecate in their hands and rub it over their skin. Personally, I vomit violently while crying and try to breathe through a nose that's overproducing phlegm with the resultant intimidation being akin to the Maori Haka.
5. Attempt the Maori Haka. If you are not Maori, or are unfamiliar with the Maori Haka, disregard this step. Alternatively, if you are from another Polynesian Island and your tribe has a version of the Haka, you are more than welcome to use it here.
6. Due to your meticulous planning in steps 2 and 3 and execution of your body preparation, you will find your assailant is now doing exactly what you envisaged, enhearaged, ensmellaged and entouchaged him to do. Have you seen the Spiderman movie where Peter Parker realises that he has a "Spider sense" that allows him to dodge a punch as if it is in slow motion? Apart from the fact that this is just bullet time on a much lamer level, this is how you will react except the knife will be in place of the fist.
8. Using your teeth, grip the blade.
7. Realise you can time travel because you are concentrating so deeply and somehow grab the other blade between your knees in this step before you go back to step 8 to use your teeth.
10. Summon the Gods of your ancestors by humming "Call Me Maybe" into a didgeridoo that you no doubt have stashed on your person like any self respecting adult. Shout, "Bring the rain" like in that Transformers movie, that was a cool scene where the guy's all "we gotta use thermo rounds" or something and then the planes come over and he's like, "Bring the rain!" I think that was one of the most awesome scenes ever, brought a tear to my eye and I have never felt prouder to be an American, even though I am Australian. It's amazing it takes an intergalactic robot species invasion to unite the world under one oppressive regime.
11. By now your victory is almost complete and, having saved your loved ones and yourself, also a few of your acquaintances, you will be awarded a pre-humous medal. But first you have to survive the attack.
Would you like to know more? If so, please send your credit card details in a PM and I will inform you of the next seminar being held at my house.
Dude, quit giving away all those Dord secrets for free!