So I tapped to an anxiety attack...
I had a weird problem today. It's only my third submission grappling class, 2nd judo class. Just to establish, I'm out of shape, 270 lbs 5'7" and female and I decided to do Judo and submission grapp. back to back today. May have been a mistake because I threw up and my muscles were shot.
Also to preface: I have said it on here before, I was a victim of long term sexual abuse/manipulation and sexual assault from about 15-18 and I internalized it for about 3 years. As a result, I suffer from PTSD that I'm trying to eradicate from my life. Part of the reason why I am getting so into sub. grappling is because I want to learn to escape being mounted like I was.
I have an endlessly hard time getting my technique right and using my shrimps to escape. During open roll one of the other newbies was rolling with me. We're both big - probably ~250 for him. We started on knees he landed on top of me and I desperately tried to shrimp to escape because I couldn't quite get him in my guard. Both of us spazzing, obviously since I've only been doing this a 2 weeks at most.
It went on and he tried to armbar me, accidentally gave him my back and he was going in to choke me (improperly, i was trying to 'sit out' i guess?) and it hit me like a ton of bricks - I felt like I was going to vomit right then and there. I started shaking and sort of went limp and hyperventilated. Flashbacks set in. I tapped, saying I had to vomit.
I tapped to a FUCKING anxiety attack. Coach doesn't know yet, I'm really humiliated by this. Curled up on the floor in the dojo bathroom crying like a little bitch and I couldn't seem to stop it. I mean that's fucking embarrassing.
I intend to keep rolling and I do not intend to give up but I had to stop after that for the night. I'm pretty angry at myself.
Just had to get that off my chest