OMG.....there's a vegan behind me.
OMG.....there's a vegan behind me.
Why is it pronounced "VEE-gan"?
Ahhh... vegans. They don't hang around me much or stop being vegans. I've played a large part in breaking every vegetarian I know and vegans are no exception. (That's right. I know no current vegetarians.) Their silliness knows no bounds. But there is a formula for breaking them:
Step One: Stop the emotional argument.
Since all of the vegans I've met are of either the pagan/new-age or atheist variety and are all attention-whores. They crave acceptance in a predominantly Judeo-Christian society; even as they try to carve a furrow of uniqueness in order to gain attention. They rely on stupid statements like "Meat is Murder" and the like. The first thing I do for the pagans is invoke Kaballah. They respect this because it's on the fringe. It's isn't mainstream and is therefore at least worthy of consideration. The specific concept I use is that of klipa and noga. (There may be misspellings here, and I am not an expert. This is as it was explained to me by a kaballist who was trying to convert me into a noahide gentile.) The basic idea is this: many animal souls consist of kilpa and noga. For simplicity's sake, klipa is bad and noga is good. Human souls are unique in that they can go to heaven and return to the deity. When you eat an animal, its noga is added to your soul and you crap out the klipa. This means that the only way for the good and pure part of the animal's soul to return to the creator is FOR YOU TO EAT IT. To do otherwise is to do a disservice to the pure part of the animal's soul, stranding it in this world.
For the atheists, it's Darwin and his form and function argument. Form follows function. We have eyes in the front of our heads, providing binocular vision. We have canine teeth. We come colonized with bacteria that allows us to digest meat. All of these are evolutionary adaptations to the function of a predator. You are designed to kill and eat other animals, it is part of your function. You ARE a predator therefore it cannot be morally wrong for you to eat meat. This, unfortunately, it the weaker of the two since it does nothing for the atheist's desire to eat meat. However, it can be furthered by sitting with the atheist and mocking religion, something it seems many atheists quite enjoy. Make fun of dietary restrictions.
Step two: Eat meat!
Eat your dead animal flesh in front of them. Enjoy it. A lot. Become a master on the grill and invite them to cookouts. Surround yourself with a cadre of meat-eating aficionados. Considerately provide large portabella mushroom caps and grill them first and separate so that it isn't 'fouled' with meat juice. 'Foul' the mushrooms with meat juice before they arrive in the first place in a 'vegetarian friendly' marinade containing small amounts of meat juice. The purpose for this is two fold. It will make them want to continue attending your cook-outs because the meat-marinaded mushrooms will be frigging delicious. The second purpose will be discussed in the next section. which is to...
Step three: Wait!?
Thanks to the meat-marinade you have surreptitiously recolonized your vegetarian's gut. This is important, because if they've been vegetarian for too long the bacteria that allows them to digest meat may have died off. This is what often leads vegetarians and vegans to become ill when they ingest meat again. This sickness cements their anti-meat conditioning.
Continue with cookouts. For the pagan, send up a prayer over the fire to the sky-daddy of your choice wishing the animal safe passage (through you) to the afterlife/godhead/whatever the **** of your choice. Atheists? Just eat. Repeat step one as needed.
This entire simple plan of action takes approximately one to four years, average time being about two and relapses appear to be quite rare. So there you go, improve the quality of your friends by re-introducing meat into their mouths.
That was awesome, wetware :)
I can respect everybody's life decisions, as long as they stick to the two Golden Rules:
1. Don't get me involved in it.
2. Don't talk about it unless asked.
And that's just what no vegan I ever met has been able to do.
Veganism, while surely a noble idea, has, at least in the places I frequent, long become a lifestyle choice on the same level as virginity pledges, and using products from Apple. Stuff for frigid women, and men raised on feminine values.
And the institutions that make themselves the speakers for veganism, they are just as good as the institutions that advocate celibacy, those that or promote product as the new hip liberal that is made through child labor.
You're an evil genius, wetware.