View Full Version : Steven Seagal's poop in a can...errrrr energy drink.

4/14/2008 3:43pm,

I have located the Ark of the Covenant my fellow caffeine addicts. Super Shihan Steven Seagal, the "best god damn immunologist/navy Seal chef/detective/journalist/EPA Agent in the country" has emerged from depths of Japan's herbal underbelly, or maybe from underneath a table at Sonny's covered in barbeque sauce, with the answer to our prayers.

Deep within his "crystal cave", while smashing his hands against a beaten up Fender Stratocaster like a monkey with touretts sitting at a computer, Mr. Seagal discovered long lost NEVER BEFORE USED energy drink ingredients...the mystical Tibetan Goji Berries and Asian Cordyceps.

Goji berries, i.e., the Wolfberry, is a fruit of Asian origin that is heaped in fantastical tails of its supposed health benefits due tio the fruit be rich in antioxidants. There have been very few clinical trials testing the Wolfberry stories and the actual health benefit of the plant is currently a matter of speculation. However, as a side note, it is commonly used as an ingredient in fungicides and pesticides in China. There are conflicting reports of whether the Tibetan berry and the Chinese berry are distinct species, but there is apparently no scientific data to confirm that they are indeed different. Thus, if you choose not to consume this wonderful drink from the "orient" you can use it to kill carpenter ants.

Cordyceps, is a species of entomopathogenic fungus, or fungus that are parasitic of insects. Here is a Wiki quickie for those interested....

These fungi usually attach to the external body surface of insects in the form of microscopic spores (usually asexual, mitosporic spores also called conidia). Under permissive conditions of temperature and (usually high) moisture, these spores germinate, grow as hyphae and colonize the insect's cuticle; eventually they bore through it and reach the insects' body cavity (hemocoel). Then, the fungal cells proliferate in the host body cavity, usually as walled hyphae or in the form of wall-less protoplasts (depending on the fungus involved). After some time the insect is usually killed (sometimes by fungal toxins) and new propagules (spores) are formed in/on the insect if environmental conditions are again permissive; usually high humidity is required for sporulation.

Mmmmmmmmmmm, where can I get me some of that!!!!!!

Assuming that Master Seagal is using the Cordyceps that is cultivated in the greenhouse and not the Cordyceps that grown in the wild (see wiki reference) there have been studies which confirm the benefit of Cordyceps for increasing respiration, increasing energy, and helping level cholesterol.

The kanji on the can means "Chi", that's right, this drink is a mandatory dietary supplement and has become a staple in the Yellow Bamboo and Aikido dojo's world wide. Why the kanji for "Chi", you ask?........HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE SEAGAL YOU INSOLENT LITTLE PRICK!!!! Well, here is your answer.....

When Steven Seagal traveled to Asia searching for the ingredients for Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, he wanted a universal Asian character to summarize it's energy and power. The character known as "CHI" stands for power, and energy in many Asian languages and cultures.

Fucking brilliant, I would have guessed Jackie Chan, but what do I know about universal Asian characters?


The name Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt was an inevitable afterthought. When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature- The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. Both mysterious and powerful, it's a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer- Such is Steven Seagals Lightning Bolt energy drink.

Here is Mr. Seagal chasing down the last guy to give his Can full of Chi Poop a bad review....apparently the drink makes you squeeze into jeans that show-off your moose knuckle and run like a limp wristed japanophile who is constipated.....


What he fails to tell you on the can of this stuff is that the drink is actually sugar free Kool-aid mixed with firm wringing of warm pony tail sweat.

This stuff is disgusting. I did not try the Root Beer Rush, but I was lucky enough to try the Cherry Charge and the Asian Experience.

I had really, REALLY, high hopes for the Asian Experience....lights were down low, wife was at the grocery store with the kids, my lotion and masterbachair were in perfect Feng Shui positioning. I crack the can and take a huge gulp expecting Asia Carrera and all I get is the taste of the underside of a pony's nutsack after being shut out of the barn on a dusty 100 degree day. Asian experience my ass. I couldn't even finish the can.

The Cherry Rush tasted worse than expired Robitussin that had been rolling around in the back of your car all summer long. I was able to take one more sip of this than the Asian Experience (so 2 sips) before pouring it down the drain.

Worst energy drink everrrrrrrrr........so, I leave you with this.


4/14/2008 3:56pm,

4/14/2008 4:43pm,
Best drink review ever.

I've had a can of this crap for 2 years and I've never even thought of drinking it. It's actually sitting on my desk in a little mini-hakama from an article I did years ago.

4/14/2008 4:47pm,
Thanks for throwing yourself on the grenade.

4/14/2008 5:00pm,
Pictures plz!!!!