View Full Version : HDA? the OVA: Sugoi Otaku edition

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8/28/2007 3:56am,
It may seem unfair to write an HDA? about non martial-arts forums, so before we go any further i'd like to clear this up: It took far more effort for me to find Mind Bending tales of Ninjutsu Futurism in the archives of cosplay message boards than in forums populated by people who have been, as they frequently like to remind me, training since I was in diapers. And if you're wondering why middle aged ninjas enjoy the thought of me in a diaper, shitting myself and drinking breastmilk then clearly you don't get the feeling of Ichimonji posture.

I actually had to wade through several annoyingly reasonable discussions of recent MMA events on anime-forums to get to the juicy stuff.

This is standard fare, I just wanted to point out the irony of a woman whose signature includes a link to greenpeace's website and a peaceful, beauty and the beast type picture of the girl from Wolf's Rain lovingly cuddling one of her animal friends, taking such evident pleasure in imagining a battle to the death between immortal kung fu zombies.

we toss around terms like LARPer pretty casually over here, but you haven't really lived until you've seen someone use a term normally reserved for causing an ammo explosion in your battlemech to describe bruce lee's sidekick.

There's just something about Kung Fu that causes it's practicioners to follow a Bizzaro world logic where techniques (which are not actually techniques but principles which are hidden in forms which are really just ways of cultivating qi which is really just proper body mechanics which are seen in correct techniques and also here's some photos of boxers shadowboxing lol why don't you tell Lennox Lewis he's a form fairy, silly gwailo) are plucked from a random posture generator (traditionally this process would involve an abacus and several of the Emperor's best Confucian administrators). Then a use for said technique is retconned onto it, showing an improvisational ability that would make an Iron Chef proud.

Also: Spazmaster666's instructor's apperant tone of voice makes me wonder if that kind of dirty talk is common at Shaolin-Do schools, and if so, are their flimsy Kung Fu suits really up to the task of containing the raging submissive hard ons this must produce?

What an insightful question. Ever since the Chinese Communist Party emasculated the traditional martial arts, every school I sample is devoted to finding new ways to slowly, erotically massaging my opponent's forearms, elbows and forehead. Lethal techniques such as the semi-mythical "strike with the fist" have been, alas, lost to the mists of time.

spazmaster is still unaware of the ridiculousness of being impressed by the practicality of your school's weapons forms when your weapons are either things found in the Predator's utility belt, (http://www.wle.com/media/W044-T.jpg) leftover Exalted campaign weapons (http://webzoom.freewebs.com/bacloonggar/trid1.jpg) or components of a "psychotic dragon lady" halloween costume set. (http://www.ohioshaolindo.com/ZONE/weekly14.jpg)

I can't tell if this guy's being facetious or if he's really that misanthropic and megalomaniacal. Either way, I want him inside me, right now.

This guy is kindof like what would happen if you printed out the complete lyrics to every Dropkick Murphies song and devoted your life to living the principles of this, your new bible.

"The totality of the fighting arts is only expressible in a life or death situation where I am swarmed by Gangsta Leprechauns and forced to demolish their throats...except if it involves rassling with hot chicks, in which case BONERS AWAY!!"

While this self important douchenozzle lectured me about transcending the polar opposites of desire and dissapointment, I actually lost several enlightenment points while I fantasized about raping him.

This guy's kidding but that seriously is the subconscious motivation for people to do self destructive things like banging their knuckles against makiwara or talking about their Aikido training in public.

"Even in my karate class I don't ke-ah. I just stay quiet. I don't like to be exertive, just in my own fantasy land."
You're in the right place.

I wonder if, at night, the fantasy replica weapons talk to her and tell her the cruel lie that someone will someday love her.

Some forum cliches are universal. For instance, whenever a woman posts about training or wanting to train or having once seen some show somewhere where somebody trained, there's always a reflexive reaction by the local retards consisting of posting things like "I love a woman who could kick my ass!!" or "If I weren't already trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman who doesn't satisfy me sexually, i'd be totally all up in your **** ;-)".

"After all, who, today, remembers the Samboists?"
[Too bad the Russian styles are being outlawed by the Asian ones though, because Sambo is very practical and powerful. ]

AnimeNation was also frustratingly sane for the first couple of threads, but as soon as my keyword search started turning up threads where people talked about being bullied in high school, I knew wonderful magick was afoot.

You know, there's such a thing as being too fucking cultured, which I guess explains the whole Lao Tzu thing. Please, stop taking martial arts if you ever find yourself having this conversation in daily life:
Miserable wage slave: Would you like to supersize that for only thirty nine cents more [sigh]?
You: The wise man is imprisoned within a cage of words but the swallow flies straight towards the moon. The master said "KaaaaaAAAAA!" once, then was silent.

Traditional martial artists who watch MMA will, if they don't immediately dismiss it as padded rasslin' for total fags, view the experience through a kind of sustained faux-disbelief that these supposedly elite level athletes are too ***** to bust out with Golden Serpent Embraces the Sun or whatever awkwardly named technique with an inverted risk-reward ratio they assume the fighters could apply if they only had the common sense to switch to bullet time.

The only way I can explain this post is that this guy is actually an account for someone's self-insertion fanfic character.

"White Hell" seems to think that dragging fags behind his truck is a traditional southern Gong Fu training method.

Cosplay.com is dear to my heart. I've met people from that website. I won't let Ninjas molest my friends in their sleep.

This is clearly a special prestige class available only in the latest rulebook.

From the "Social Disasters while Cosplaying" thread
The social disaster here is the lady acting like Tae Kwon Do isn't something to be very, very ashamed of.

Not macho? I'll be the first to admit a vice for adorable, effeminate catboys, but I can't think of a bigger waste of time than asking them to teach you how to fight. Those are hours the both of you could be spending wet and soapy, people!

Also, please note that this girl, like every other person who does terrible martial arts (Shotokan) that her dojo is in the hardcore 1%.

So basically San Soo is the stylistic equivalent of those autistic kids who make up their own private languages?

A little background:

1: Masamune is the name of Sephiroth's sword in Final Fantasy 7. It is seven feet long, and yes, I see you there self consciously holding your hand over your mouth and ready to bust out with an overcompensation joke. **** you, the man killed Aeris. He deserves canonisation for that alone.

2: Danzikumaru is the founder of my cosplay club. What is it about Austin? We have Element Ninjas, thong-sporting amnesiacs and faux Shaolin Monks who worship Chewbacca. The only thing that would make this city complete is Gregor Samsa in a giant terrarium and a publicly sponsored erotic herm.

I don't know if he's trying to imitate Emperor Palpatine or the guy from Tool. Either way, i'm sure he first thought up those lines with his head in a toilet.

Actually, no, I don't understand. I thought I was a cosplayer, but apperantly cosplay is not about having fun with costumes and being glad that your boyfriend is nice and understanding, but rather the kind of cult that was popular in the late 70s, where we pose in unison for hours on end after not sleeping for days, then blow kisses at Man-Faye's fourty BMWs.


Why can't we do that during regular Martial Arts classes or demos?

"So as you can see, the aliveness in Ninjutsu is achieved by calculating the vector of an incoming punch which you then div*BWOOONG*

I'm fairly sure this is how Magneto masturbates.http://www.bullshido.net/images/articles/hda/initial_diesal.png

There you go, Aikidoka. Here is your inner motivation drawn up from the depths of your subconscious, pale, angry and screaming like an HR Giger creature. Behind your civilized and beatificly Zen image lies an adolescent desire to be a chain smoking bounty hunter with a dark past, easy walk and I JUST DONT GIVE A **** (DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT) attitude.

And yeah, Wing Chun is pretty offensive, AM I RIGHT FOLKS OW OW OH PLEASE GOD NOT IN THE KNEES

I wonder if the black belts at GODluvsKITTY's school are required to have tight jeans, bowl cut hair and sleeve tattoos as part of their uniform?

Well that's all for now. This time i've managed to avoid having my actions discovered and having to defend myself by threatening Relena Peacecraft then having a duel aboard a Zeppelin. At least I think...


9/15/2007 10:21am,
Oh **** oh **** oh shiiiiiiiit.

Can someone upload me some higher def screencaps of these posts, ASAP? We gotta make these posts legible. Original URLS of said posts available here (http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showpost.php?p=449361&postcount=3).

Kid Miracleman
9/15/2007 11:30am,
I was just about to ask for some higher-res pics... but it looks like Bullshido is on the case!

Anyhoo, good finds.

9/15/2007 11:34am,
The first bits were really funny then my eyes bugged out.

higher res please!

9/15/2007 11:37am,
"I've already comprised a list of people I want to fight. The highest on my list are Georges St. Pierre, Tim Sylvia, and Matt Hughes."

Oh lawdy.

9/15/2007 12:01pm,


9/15/2007 12:32pm,
These people give martial artists in general a bad name. Fucking weaboos should just stick to their own vile hobby.

What I don't get is why the majority of these waps seem to do Kung Fu or other non-JMA's. you'd think that with their twisted obsessions, they would be all over the JMA's.

9/15/2007 7:31pm,
For every otaku that resembles Josh Barnett, we get about 60 or so that resemble these guys. Law of averages?

9/15/2007 7:32pm,
Higher res pic's plz. I cant read them for ****.

9/15/2007 8:31pm,
I was about to ask for higher res pics as well, then I realized that I am, in fact, asian, and that I wouldn't be able to read them anyway.

9/15/2007 10:54pm,
It is statistically impossible for so many members of those otaku boards to be female. I saw more than one.

9/15/2007 11:04pm,
Higher res pic's plz. I cant read them for ****.

me neither

9/15/2007 11:40pm,
I suppose I failed. Sorry dude. I don't know what happened. You can read them clearly when you go to my album and click them.

9/16/2007 10:07am,
Funny someone said "Otaku". I know plenty of people who claim they are Otaku as if it means "Noble Roundeye giving Praise to Japan". Unfortunately for them:

Well, it is difficult to find a truely accurate definition of the word otaku, but The Enclyclopedia of Japanese Pop Culture by Mark Schilling seems to have the best description of what an otaku is

"It is tempting to translate otaku as 'nerd',but though both are often thought of, humorously, as socially inept loners, otaku are also fanatically knowledgeable in one abstruse field, be it Godzilla movies or the history of sumo wrestling. Otaku got their name from their habit of addressing others as otaku, a form of the second-person singular and plural that is polite, impersonal, and, in certain social contexts, bizarrely off-putting, like calling a classmate 'sir.' Foreign fans of Japanese manga and animation who can recite Hayao Miyazaki's entire filmography proudly refer to themselves as otaku, though in Japan itis a label that also carries implications of serious strangeness."

-Mark Schilling

Every cosplay, AnimeCon going person I ever met was definitely Otaku. In the respect of, weird. Especially those with a hardon for martial arts.

9/16/2007 11:29am,
I suppose I failed. Sorry dude. I don't know what happened. You can read them clearly when you go to my album and click them.

Someone just needs to use the full sized ones (click on the image) and not the medium one that's displayed.

9/16/2007 11:31am,
I always thought it was a way of saying "**** you" to the people who called them otaku. Like, "yeah we're nerds, and proud of it, too!"

The name of the "big bang" theory in physics was originally a dirisive quip... and now it's the official name for the theory.