Naaa, when ever I try to grapple with her, she just sits down and doesn't move. It's no fun if she's not fighting back.

you're lucky. mine just stands up and shakes me off. tells me my bjj is useless against t3h d34d1y sh4k3.

Do i smell a dreamkiller.

Wives suck. The end.


Agreed. At the last NAGA I attended, during one of my teamamte's matches, his wife said to me, "I hope he loses so we can go home". All I could do was think of how lucky I am to not be married.

Alright, I'll be the guy who pops in with the hard question.

-Stop what you're doing (which is probably daydreaming about rolling umaplata's from a SLT), and take a long, hard look at your life and your priorities.

The top 2 priorities should be Family and Work, followed by Hobbies. If that doesn't jive with how you want to live your life, then you need to have a long talk with your wife and make sure she's ok with being second tier to your Hobby.

Look at how much time you spend with your family (not sleeping or doing mundane crap...but actually spending time together) versus how much time you spend training (including class, conditioning, watching tournie footage, etc...).

You'll probably find that you spend a lot of time outside of class TRAINING, and a lot of time with your wife thinking of TRAINING.

If this is the case, then you need to start putting your family ahead of your training, pure and simple.

Do the following, and you should be good.

-After your tournament, put aside one or two "Date Nights" each week where your wife has your complete and undivided attention. Go see a movie, go out to dinner, go walk on the beach...you know, sappy **** that happens in movies. Women love that...unless she's Fes_Fsa, in which case you should take her to a death metal club. :)

-Cancel some training sessions to spend time with her, and make she knows you are doing this BECAUSE YOU WANT TO (and not because she's guilting you into it...which is true). Make it casual, like "I was going to train, but why don't we get some coffee and go for a walk? I miss you."

-Set up some hobbies for you and her to do together. Church, Yoga (this helps with BJJ), Jogging, Hiking, etc... Make it regular, make sure it's something she likes to do, and stick with it.

---

You're probably wondering why I'm giving you relationship advice, rather than simply answering the first question.

The reason I'm providing it is because IF your relationship is healthy, happy, and productive...you should NOT have to ask this question on a public forum. You should know right off the bat what is wrong and what you need to do to fix it.

Instead, I'm sensing a general disconnect between you and your wife...which needs to be addressed and resolved.

Besides, the happier you make her, the happier she'll make you.

Good luck on the tourney.

Well, I'm reminded of my last Taijutsu instructor who called me a "hobbyist" and not a martial artist because I kept hopping from style to style. Of course, his idea of being a martial artist meant daily kata and breakfall training and no sparring. **** him.

If you're thinking of BJJ and competition while at your job, while talking to your wife, or whenever else, then obviously it brings you more joy and personal satisfaction and spiritual fulfillment than any of the rest of that crap. So focus on it to your heart's content. It's not like it's crack.

In my personal case, I have no job, no money, no girl, no credit, no car and no faith left, and doing Judo and MMA for the last year is the only thing to keep me from ending it all. If somebody told me to quit it and get my priorities straight, I'd tell them that I've busted my ass for years and gotten nowhere. My life was this bad if not worse when I had 3 jobs an ulcer and no time to train. Then I had no job and no money to train until a Judo guy took me under his wing for free. Now **** off, I have to go to class.

In my personal case, I have no job, no money, no girl, no credit, no car and no faith left, and doing Judo and MMA for the last year is the only thing to keep me from ending it all. If somebody told me to quit it and get my priorities straight, I'd tell them that I've busted my ass for years and gotten nowhere. My life was this bad if not worse when I had 3 jobs an ulcer and no time to train. Then I had no job and no money to train until a Judo guy took me under his wing for free. Now **** off, I have to go to class.

that is sad. life is much better when balanced.

hope your life gets better.

I totally get you man, I was the guy who couldn't say two words to a coworker without thinking "I think I can take you down" or the ever so gently "FLYING ARMBAR FTW MOTHER FUCKER".

Every year I would go to judo camps, travel to tourneys (withing the estate, but still) and spent a shitload of time with the judo team, and maybe not enough at home.

This year I got married, and we decide to take a vacation, so I couldn't make it to camp (I had to give my scholarship to somebody else) this year and I miss on a great chance (Jimmy Pedro, Rhadi Ferguson, Igor Yakimov, Nick Lowe, etc.); then I lost my job last month, and guess who's not going on vacation this year? that's right, me; in retroespctive I should have try harder and find a way to go to the camp without pissing wifey off, but that's life.

Find a hobby with the wife, go to the gym together, roller skating, Satori mentioned Yoga; you'll still be trainning for grappling, but don not tell her that, tell her you're doing it for her.

or what Fes Fsa said.

Alright, I'll be the guy who pops in with the hard question.

-Stop what you're doing (which is probably daydreaming about rolling umaplata's from a SLT), and take a long, hard look at your life and your priorities.

The top 2 priorities should be Family and Work, followed by Hobbies. If that doesn't jive with how you want to live your life, then you need to have a long talk with your wife and make sure she's ok with being second tier to your Hobby.

Look at how much time you spend with your family (not sleeping or doing mundane crap...but actually spending time together) versus how much time you spend training (including class, conditioning, watching tournie footage, etc...).

You'll probably find that you spend a lot of time outside of class TRAINING, and a lot of time with your wife thinking of TRAINING.

If this is the case, then you need to start putting your family ahead of your training, pure and simple.

Do the following, and you should be good.

-After your tournament, put aside one or two "Date Nights" each week where your wife has your complete and undivided attention. Go see a movie, go out to dinner, go walk on the beach...you know, sappy **** that happens in movies. Women love that...unless she's Fes_Fsa, in which case you should take her to a death metal club. :)

-Cancel some training sessions to spend time with her, and make she knows you are doing this BECAUSE YOU WANT TO (and not because she's guilting you into it...which is true). Make it casual, like "I was going to train, but why don't we get some coffee and go for a walk? I miss you."

-Set up some hobbies for you and her to do together. Church, Yoga (this helps with BJJ), Jogging, Hiking, etc... Make it regular, make sure it's something she likes to do, and stick with it.

---

You're probably wondering why I'm giving you relationship advice, rather than simply answering the first question.

The reason I'm providing it is because IF your relationship is healthy, happy, and productive...you should NOT have to ask this question on a public forum. You should know right off the bat what is wrong and what you need to do to fix it.

Instead, I'm sensing a general disconnect between you and your wife...which needs to be addressed and resolved.

Besides, the happier you make her, the happier she'll make you.

Good luck on the tourney.
**** that ****** ****

bjj is LIFEEEEEEE

divorce the bitch

**** that ****** ****

bjj is LIFEEEEEEE

divorce the bitch


ahhahahhaaa awesome.

it's really not that hard to have it all. cut out non-essential crap like t.v. and you can find a lot more hours in your day (says the guy posting on an internet forum in the middle of the workday).

**** that ****** ****

bjj is LIFEEEEEEE

divorce the bitch



ahhahahhaaa awesome.

it's really not that hard to have it all. cut out non-essential crap like t.v. and you can find a lot more hours in your day (says the guy posting on an internet forum in the middle of the workday).

Ok, I'm just glad I was done with my coffee when I read this two comments

Agreed. At the last NAGA I attended, during one of my teamamte's matches, his wife said to me, "I hope he loses so we can go home". All I could do was think of how lucky I am to not be married.If the guy is not helping at home and is seriously not paying attention to the wife, then she has every right to say that. Now, if that's not the case, she's just being an unreasonable and needy drama/attention whore.
Guys and girls out there, know very well who you get involved with.


I totally get you man, I was the guy who couldn't say two words to a coworker without thinking "I think I can take you down" or the ever so gently "FLYING ARMBAR FTW MOTHER FUCKER".

Every year I would go to judo camps, travel to tourneys (withing the estate, but still) and spent a shitload of time with the judo team, and maybe not enough at home.

This year I got married, and we decide to take a vacation, so I couldn't make it to camp (I had to give my scholarship to somebody else) this year and I miss on a great chance (Jimmy Pedro, Rhadi Ferguson, Igor Yakimov, Nick Lowe, etc.); then I lost my job last month, and guess who's not going on vacation this year? that's right, me; in retroespctive I should have try harder and find a way to go to the camp without pissing wifey off, but that's life.

Find a hobby with the wife, go to the gym together, roller skating, Satori mentioned Yoga; you'll still be trainning for grappling, but don not tell her that, tell her you're doing it for her.

or what Fes Fsa said.Right on the money. This is one of my concerns right now since I'm spending a lot of time with my g/f at the gym - that's our shared hobby. Right now (and I mean like right now) we are moving to a new home that's

1) about 1.5 miles from Luis Gutierrez SBG gym, and
2) much farther away from my g/f work (so she'll have to commute longer, with less time to work out.)

I could virtually train every night, but I could not do in good conscience knowing my g/f is coming home tired, and with no time to work out with me at the gym or at home. Not without at least helping a lot with cleaning, cooking and stuff (which any reasonable man should do regardless.) This will get trickier one kids come into the picture.

Which brings me to the point I want to make to the OP : whether you have a hobby or not, it takes two to tango. If both are sharing the responsibility of helping each other out at home, you are entitled to have your hobby.

You are who you are. You are a person with interests and goals, which need to be balanced with the life you have chosen to have with your wife.

She deserves that you give her attention, but not so much that you stop being who you are. And here is where you really have to look at your situation hard.

For one, don't stop going to the tournament. Go. No matter what happens, and this I strongly believe, you can't just "give in" just because. Do your thing.

But once you are done with the tournament, take a few weeks off. You are not going to die or forget everything you have learned if you take a break. Take that break to tend to your house and your wife.

And then talk to her that you are going to keep training.

If you are training 5 times a week, compromise with 3 or 4. Tell her that you will only train more than that prior to a comp.

Compromise that you are going to do the things you have been doing to help at home regardless of hard you train (after all, work and wifey >> hobby, within reason).

Compromise in that you will take at least one weekday (or weekend day) for her, regardless of hard you train (this is assuming you haven't been paying attention to her personally - helping at home =/= paying attention to her.)

Make sure you always mention you are doing something healthy, as opposed to sitting on the couch eating cheetos, or sharing a beer with the guyz at the local strip club. You need to reasure her that you are not straying away from her.

At the same time, ask her to compromise. If you are going to compromise in your training, she has to compromise in doing something healthy with you. That is, join a gym and go work out. If this means less time for you to train BJJ, so be it.

I've always made clear to anyone I've dated that we have to work out together (or that they have to workout if I work out.) You have moved to a point in your life where fitness is integral to you. Share that with her. However, this will imply you have to make things more accessible to her (meaning, help more at home regardless of how tired you feel.)

You weren't like this when you married her. So (assuming your wife is a reasonable woman who shares everything with you in good and bad and who supports you as a human being and not a needy bitch), now that you are bringing this change into your shared life, you'll have to go out of a limb to help her incorporate this change into her life.

Last but not least, you need to go to counceling NOW. There is a big disconnect between you and your wife. And you need to deal with it now before both of you go past the point of no return.

I'm not talking about giving up what you want, but I'm not talking about keep doing what you like hoping things will get better on their own.

Good luck.

**** Dr. Phil, what El Macho said

My fiancee hates the broken nose and bloodied body aspect of MMA, but could not care less about the time away aspect of training. I work overnights 10pm to 6 am, she works days 8 am to 5 pm, so we see each other very little already. But I make it a point to be with her as much as I can outside of training wed. and fri. from 6-8 pm. And in about two months, mon, wed, and fri. And then at beginning of next year, Mon, Tues., thurs. and Fri. And when MMA season comes back to Alaska at beginning of next "summer", five days a week. I am not obsessed, I merely want to win. Alot. Wait...that is obsession. But she's a chronic workaholic that would gladly work 12 hours a day 7 days a week if she could. So we both know/knew what we were getting into.

My wife had some of the same objections to my training schedule, so I switched it up. I'm now training during the days on weekends, and 3 nights during the weeks. Being home more at night was the key to making my wife happier. My son trains 2 of the nights that I do, so on those nights he goes to Judo with me.

On one of the weekend days, saturday, my son and I go to our club together, I stay for his class, then he hangs out for mine. After training, we both head out to do groceries. Full day break from kid stuff for my wife was a big win for me.

I am not a perfect husband, but you can balance training, kids and a marriage--you just have to work hard at all three.

People have already made good points, but I'll reiterate; Cut out the bullshit. Prioritize. If grappling is everything, and your wife is secondary, this isn't fair to her. You should not be married.

If you realize that she is number one in your book, then prioritize the rest of your hobbies behind that. If grappling is number 2, then all of your time away from your wife should be devoted to that. Not rollerblading, not TV watching, not reading magazines, etc.

I used to have a shitload of hobbies when I was single. Martial arts, mountain biking, homebrewing, comics, books, tennis, basketball, swimming, TV, pubs, wine, jogging, hiking, weightlifting, etc., etc. Now I have a wife and a baby, so I've been forced to prioritize. I can't just do any and all of this stuff whenever the hell I want to do it, so I've dropped a lot of it, and tried to figure out how to fit the other stuff in to my life in the least disruptive way to my family.

Martial arts is my number one hobby, so I continue to train one to two evenings, one morning, and Sunday afternoons. Rather than burning days of time mountain biking like I used to do, I bike commute to work instead. Instead of jogging in the evenings like I used to, I now jog at work during my lunch hour. One or two evenings a week, I'll take the baby out to the garage, set him in his chair then hit my punching bag and lift weights. The kid finds it to be great entertainment, and the wife appreciates the break from baby duty. Luckily my wife likes wine, so we crack open a bottle when the baby goes to bed. We'll also go out to a brewpub/restaurant now and then if it's somewhat kid friendly. I only read right before I go to bed. We'll take the kid out for a hike or to the pool on most weekends.

What this means is that some of my less important hobbies such as homebrewing, TV, basketball, and a few others have been dropped. If any hobby besides martial arts (sacred ground there) detract from my relationship with my family, then they get dropped. But I've gotten pretty slick about figuring out ways to keep them with minimal impact.

Wives hate being ignored and taken for granted. Doing little **** like cleaning up the dishes or doing laundry now and then will really take the edge off things. Setting aside a night or two and a weekend afternoon just for them will make them much happier. With my wife, setting a bit of a schedule for my training is really good. She knows that Wednesdays and Sunday afternoons are my untouchable training times, and that I'll be home a bit later from work on Friday due to morning practice. She has accepted this, and as long as I help out around the house on my off nights, have some quality time splitting a bottle of wine with her now and then, and make sure to give her a break from baby duty, I'm usually on pretty good ground.

Go to counseling. I don't know whether or not you need, but if you are asking strangers for marital advice, its time to ask a trained professionals.

Something might be bad wrong, everything might be fine. Nobody here knows enough to say. However, women frequently decide to end a marriage months before they do based on a few core issues. Often they mention their concerns almost in passing (if at all) and consider it fair warning. The core issues might be unfair positions or even inaccurate views or outright fabrications used to justify selfish motives (usually adultry). Or they might be well grounded and well thought out.

Take from me though, unfair or inaccurate or not - make sure you act on anything that might be a warning. The only thing that sucks worse than a bad marriage is a divorce. Better to get help from someone who knows what they are talking about and who can talk to both of you than ask strangers on the internet.

You probably are being paranoid - but with women, you have no hope as a guy figuring out what really is an issue and what isn't.

P.S. FSA_FES should be cloned and passed out like pez to all unmarried guys.