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View Full Version : HOW DO ARMBAR? Day 1: Bullshidoan Dawn



Hedgehogey
6/09/2007 4:05pm,
For a long time, you little shits have been begging us to do a column where we lafftastically dissect the follies of others. This has lead to much consternation, as we are loathe to think of ourselves as the judgemental GIT OFF MAH INTERNET type of people who feel the need to facerape others for having geeky hobbies (ZACK PARSONS, I'M LOOKING AT YOU, YOU USELESS PIECE OF ****).

Nevertheless, we will make an exception for the LARPing that dare not speak it's name martial arts. HOW DO ARMBAR? will be a regular column where our agents bring back choice morsels of Martial dorking.

Our first presentation concerns the all-karate (http://www.all-karate.com/) forums, and boy what a magical trip it's been.

Without any further delay, LETS BEGIN DE GOZAIMASU

This guy is probably the sort of person who asks what to do if he's tied up and being interrogated by the Contras themselves, then gets pissy when his instructor replies with anything more than five syllables and/or the magic beans he was sold do not turn Coronel Salazar into a butterfly.

http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/choke1.jpg

This will be the first of many instances where h2whoa displays an almost antique perception of what actually works. It's like a relic from an earlier, simpler time when teenagers still went to malt shops on dates and the word "Gracie" was almost always followed by "Allen" rather than "HATE HURT SNURFGURLSNARGLENOTREALMARTIALARTIST".The fact that he thinks he's innovative makes this even more adorable.

http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/gracie15.jpg

The use of a cutesy phrase like "Big, bad world" is a dead giveaway.

http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/gracie17.jpg

The emphatic reintroduction in all caps...It just totally makes this post for me.
If only we could make YOU WILL RELEASE! into the new "all your base"...Ah, what a crazy dreamer I am.


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/choke29half.jpg


They shoulda...sent...a...poet...


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/choke32.jpg



Next, Major Kusanagi will take control of my body and force me to kill the rest of my insurgent cell with my bare hands.


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/choke40.jpg



ARE WE GRAPPLE YET?


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/ground14.jpg



The point of Karate is to not work?


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/ground23.jpg



Goju-ryu: When you absolutely, positively must kick someone in the gooch.


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/gooch1and2.jpg



THE GOOCH WILL DESTROY YOU!


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/gooch8.jpg


At higher levels of Kenpo training, one learns to see the unity of all space and time using the metaphor of the three blind men and the elephant and heavy doses of Ed Parker's dead but still fully roused cock jagermeister the spice.


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/beforefist6.jpg


I had no idea that "vagina" could be a verb AND an adjective until I heard this guy vagina his way through a class that was so vagina, his uniform was not yet vagina soft.


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/vaginasoft1.jpg



Here, "oldguy" managed to stretch this long period of vagina out for four months.


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/vagsoft8.jpg



GLORIUM PATRUM SHOTOKAN


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/character2.jpg


It must be completely impossible to hang out at this guy's house. "Hey, where's the beers man?"
"In that cooler. You know, the one behind the REVERSE PUNCH KIAI!"


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/character4.jpg


IN JUST SEVEN DAYS, JESUS-SENSEI CAN MAKE YOU A MA~AA~A~AN!


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/character20.jpg


This kid's "Sensei" really, really hates him.
Also, note that he is a 12 year old black belt.


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/character22.jpg


No, celticcrippler. No you will not. You will, however, slightly increase the likelihood of any legitimate publisher buying your manuscript for "Way of a white Samurai: a self insertion story of a young man's journey from life's bad bitch to humble master of Kenpo-Karate-Juku-Kai-Shin-Do-Jutsu" from -25% (Houghton-Mifflin puts a bounty on your head) to 5% (the editor in chief may one day blow his nose on it), after suitable edits.


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/celticcrippler31.jpg


Does this mean that giving away the deadly fighting secrets of Karate or becoming the mythical Karate-equipped bully is equivalent to spilling hundreds of tons of Exxon-Valdez crude into the water near the Aleuts?


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/../images/articles/hda/oceans4.jpg


Next week...I dunno. Probably Kutaki no mura...So stay frosty and keep your eyes on the prize, oh teeming Ninja hordes.













Obligatory disclaimer: The humor contained here is not neccesarily the humor of the bullshido staff or administration, nor is it neccesarily an attack on your fighting abilities. You could do eight hours of knockdown karate a day, YOU WILL RELEASE would still be rofflerific.

Captions by me, Hedgehogey. Thanks to Osiris for capturing and uploading the screencaps.

yellowman
12/30/2007 5:35pm,
hahahaha

Boyd
12/30/2007 5:50pm,
gg 1234

evanagoodman
4/29/2008 12:01am,
this website is almost completely useless. While I am going to assume that the content is generally good, I can't seem to access any of it.

cyril
6/01/2008 4:48pm,
this website is almost completely useless. While I am going to assume that the content is generally good, I can't seem to access any of it.

Right click, view image. There. It's bigger for you now. Or you could use the microsoft magnifier (shortcut window's key + U brings it up, I believe).

alienmuaythai
12/12/2008 5:33am,
"I don't know about that BJJ Gracie stuff, blah blah pressure points blah blah... YOU WILL RELEASE!"

ChriStriker
9/10/2011 11:42pm,
whats the point of this section

Lindz
9/11/2011 12:43am,
The point is **** you.

Ice Hole
9/11/2011 12:48am,
whats the point of this section

The evolution of the internet, just meld with it and shut the **** up.

Necro for necro sake tsk tsk.

http://i.imgur.com/1cGjM.jpg

vile_zoidberg
9/11/2011 1:12am,
I liked the How Do Armbar section. I wouldn't mind seeing it revitalized.