View Full Version : Owned: false BS article published in the Martialist

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Fantasy Warrior
2/01/2006 10:01pm,
Just when you thought The Martialist (Phil Elmoreís online publication) was dead and gone, he publishes the ďmega issueĒ which really means he missed 5 or so issues and chucked them all together. One of the few good things to come out of this literary classic is that it includes my article, written to test whether he verifies the effectiveness and veracity of the self-protection advice he prints.

The homemade anti-knife vest
Starts page 13: http://www.philelmore.com/subscriberpen/2005_Mega_Issue.pdf
I can quote it in full as I wrote it, so I will:
(Red text added or reworded by Phil Elmore)
We should not kid ourselves that luck is enough to save us from the urban menace that stalks our streets looking for easy victims, unwary citizens, the weak, the law abiding. This menace, the common criminal scum, the vagrant, the bully, is not above knifing you in the back for your wallet! It happened on my block just last month. It is only reasonable that we take precautions.

If you are not already carrying an ďequalizerĒ then you should be if it is legal to do so and you are trained to use it. Whether thatís a sidearm, a blade or a tactical torch, it is a must in todayís dangerous streets. But will it protect you from the criminal that knifes first, asks questions after? No. If a felon is determined to stab you, they donít show you the blade, they just walk up all subtle andÖbam! -straight in the gut or back without warning will be the strike. The only way to protect yourself, as I see it, from this type of attack is to be armored.

Few citizens can afford commercial body amour but against knives, there is simply no need to fork out the heavy sums on Kevlar. You can make your own which will do the job at a fraction of the price. Iíve been wearing home made stab vests working the doors of notorious clubs for the past fifteen years and itís saved my bacon more than once. I recall one such incident when I was working new-yearís eve Ėa slave to the mortgage. Trouble flared several times and I had to carry a few lively soles out to the fresh New York air. It was only when I got home and started undressing that I found a snapped off blade embedded in the book about where my left kidney is! I hadnít even realized someone had stabbed me Ėand the vest saved me. Iíve also taken to wearing them when Iím in high risk neighborhoods and so far no one has ever discovered my secret. These things work, that I can say with absolute confidence.

The best armor Iíve found is wood or pressboard -or books, to be more precise. Hardback books offer the best protection but are not flexible enough to wear at the flanks, so I only use them on the front and back. The ribs I cover with thick softback novels. You can also use compressed newspaper but novels are probably easier.

You can test the protection offered by books quite simply, take a knife and stab one. In the spirit of discovery I took the sharpest and sturdiest kitchen knife from my wifeís drawer and thrust it determinedly into a book Ėnote how the tip hardly penetrates. And thatís a bigger knife than Iíve ever seen used by criminals, most assassins prefer a smaller easily concealed blade which doesnít have nearly as much thrusting power as the heavy kitchen knife. Books like this are actually stronger than most types of natural wood because paper doesnít have a grain so there is no splitting at the point of least resistance.
Iíve made my stab-vests in several designs, always improvised, but the one Iíll share I believe to be the most efficient and wearable. It doesnít require any sewing and does not ruin the clothing used. It is strictly covert Ėthe fashion police would arrest you if you wore it overtly!

The basic ingredients are two large (8.5 x 11 inch or A4 or bigger hardback books. These should not be too thick; 100 pages is good. You will also need two normal paperback novels, quite thick; about 500 pages. You will need two well fitting T-shirts and four Bungee luggage cords with hooks to put everything together.

The basic armor layout is a hardback book front and rear with the novels on the flanks guarding the ribcage (a favorite target of the assassin!).
Firstly put one of the T-shirts on. Turn the bottom up and place the books into the turn-up. Wrap two of the luggage straps around so that they hold the books in place and tight to the body. This is very important; the vest will not be so effective if it moves about. It should look something like this:
Put the second T-Shirt on over the first and wrap the remaining two luggage straps around. The whole setup should be tight but not restrictive. It really is as simple as that. Remember that the vest is meant to be worn under a jacket. Itís hardly ninja subtle. Iíve never found it overly hot, but Iíve never gone for a road run in one. For normal activities itís fine and if you have to sprint out of trouble, well who cares if itís a bit sweaty, there are more pressing issues. Because itís tight to your body (very important in case of impacts) it feels quite light, in fact you soon forget youíre wearing it. It might be a bit more cumbersome in wrestling but we all know that you donít want to get involved in wrestling anyway Ėhit and run!
You are now armored against the blade wielding scum that stalk our sidewalks looking for easy victims, and wander the nationís dance floors looking for unguarded flanks. I hope that this trick is of some use to someone. Be safe!

(c) 2006 by Kickcatcher

Ok, there you have it, Phil Elmore publishes unverified codswollop.

2/01/2006 10:05pm,
Holy ****, good work Kickcatcher!

Someone make a big read "pwnt" stamp and photoshop it onto Phil's forehead. For the kids.

2/01/2006 10:10pm,
I dont have the words, I do have a headache now

Lights Out
2/01/2006 10:14pm,

I canīt beleive Phil took this article seriously. I mean, I laughted all over it.

2/01/2006 10:14pm,
hehehehe :XXspermy: :XXspermy: :phil2:

Fantasy Warrior
2/01/2006 10:17pm,
I think my choice of books was inspired. I can't believe he didn't twig.

Sam Browning
2/01/2006 10:18pm,
Congradulations Kickcatcher, I can't believe Phil didn't blink at the over the top language in that piece.

Lights Out
2/01/2006 10:25pm,
Yeah, it looked like a parody from the start.

EDIT: Not to mention the pics...

2/01/2006 10:29pm,
The basic armor layout is a hardback book front and rear with the novels on the flanks guarding the ribcage (a favorite target of the assassin!).

:lol: You are just too much, man. :laughing6

2/01/2006 10:29pm,
Holy ****...I gotta try that.
Once I'm done who wants to stab me???!!!

I'm not scared...if phil thinks it will work....I trust him!

Gypsy Jazz
2/01/2006 10:39pm,
You sir are a god of parody. This was hilarious the whole way through. Everything from the word choice to the stance in the photos was pure Phil Elmore style masturbatory paranoia speak. I think you really need to let this one build up into a regular discussion topic and/or regularly accepted truth before exposing just how tragically stupid good 'ol Phil is.

Once again, brilliantly done kickcatcher, you get a gold star AND a smiley face.

The Limey
2/01/2006 10:42pm,
Phrost.....give this guy a cookie...or a bullshido t-shirt.

That article was pure magic! Imagine Phil's face when he sees this thread and realizes he's been had. Maybe someone should post the link on the martialist.



2/01/2006 11:12pm,
Words cannot explain the awesomeness of this...

What a fucking tool that guy is.

2/01/2006 11:21pm,
Well-done Kickcatcher! Like already stated, how could Phil not notice that this was a parody? I mean who is going to walk around with four books strapped to their body like seen in the picture.

2/01/2006 11:27pm,

My favorite is the fact that most of the vital areas of the body are uncovered. What if the felon goes for your eyes? Or your throat? WHERE IS YOUR ANNE RICE NOW?

2/01/2006 11:28pm,
Not much more to say than has already been said. Kudos to the amazing job, only you should've taken at least one picture with the trademark Phil Elmore eyebrow. He might've asked you to write for his newsletter every issue, thinking he had found a protege. Maybe even be interested in a date...