to prepare breakfast for JFS, 12 lumberjacks strap 6-pound blocks of butter to their feet and spend half an hour skating across a hot griddle roughly the size of a football field. the last time they were late, JFS nodded sadly and whispered, "gong sau." instantly, a nearby newborn baby was turned retarded. this baby grew up to be sirc.

JFS decided to accept disciples and finally accepted two young men, the elder Gao Jun-zong and the younger Cheng Ming-dao. Although Gao Jun-zong was the senior student, he lacked devotion in his studies and accepted a position within the Manchurian government. Cheng Ming-dao was far more devoted but lacked his senior classmate's intellect. The Manchurian government found out that the rebels were hiding in the Shaolin Temple. Government troops could not search the temple premises because the temple was granted amnesty so they sent Gao Jun-zong into the temple posing as a rebel student, actually as a spy. When sufficient evidence was gathered, the government was prepared for the assault on the Shaolin Temple but there was one problem. Zhi Chan, the head monk of Shaolin was a great martial arts master and there was nobody within the government that could withstand the counterattack if the Shaolin monks fought back. Gao Jun-zong proposed his master JFS who's skill was comparable to Zhi Chan. At first, JFS was hesitant but after many requests by his disciple and memories of how Shaolin refused him, JFS accepted. JFS also considered this as an opportunity for the E-mei mountain school to come to fame, defeating the Shaolin temple.

Although Zhi Chan had mastered the Shaolin "Iron Cloth" Kung Fu, a lesser form of armour kung fu, he was no match for JFS. JFS used his Phoenix Eye fist and broke Zhi Chan's armour kung fu. Zhi Chan tried to use his deadly "Iron Head" style, a technique using the head as a battering ram but JFS couldn't be hurt with his Golden Bell Armour, even direct attacks to his eyes and groin were useless. Eventually, JFS killed Zhi Chan using his tiger claw style breaking Zhi Chan's neck. Gao Jun-zong attained a high ranking in the government and the E-mei school was known through all of China. After his battle with Zhi Chan, JFS felt that his current styles had areas that were lacking in efficiency and power so he developed the "Three Form Eagle Claw Qin-Na" style. JFS taught his new style to his two disciples but Gao Jun-zong showed no interest, too overwhelmed with his newfound fortune and fame. Cheng Ming-dao, on the other hand, was greatly inspired by the new style and went into seclusion with the goal of fully mastering this art.

A few years later, JFS received news that Gao Jun-zong was killed by an escaped rebel named Hong Xi-guan from the Shaolin Temple and hunted for the culprit. He eventually killed Hong. Obsessed with his skill, JFS became very arrogant and went into the porn world calling himself John Holmes.
When he tired of this, he found a person of similar size and looks and killed him, faking his own death.

JFS started WWI when he accidentally whispered "GONG SAU!!!" in his sleep.

when it's time for the guitar solo in "dark star," JFS plays a masterpiece where each note represents a single person in the audience. legend has it no two solos are ever alike.

JFS KNOWS how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

once, in delaware, wyatt earp had a few drinks and shot JFS' favorite goat. after he sobered up, he thought it might be prudent to split town, so he hopped on a covered wagon and made his way to california. JFS discovered the crime, sighed, and calmly said, "gong sau." then he held out his arm, pointed his fist west and began walking. seven years later, wyatt earp had a black eye and the grand canyon was created.

Mas Oyama once tried to show off in front of JFS by punching out a bull. JFS responded by saying, "So?" and kicking a cow so hard that it rained T-bone steaks for six days and seven nights.

Lee Harvey Oswald didn't kill JFK, he was trying to kill Texas School Book Depository co-worker JFS (in retaliation for a colorful stream of insults JFS made about Oswald's sorting skills). In a fit of rage, Oswald hurled a copy of "Algebra Against Communism" at JFS during a lunch break.

As the patriotic math tome approached, JFS whispered "gong sau," whereupon it turned into a magic bullet and flew out the window, causing 146 wounds, a 40-year conspiracy industry, the Vietnam war, and a measure of filmmaking credibility for Oliver Stone. Oswald was so angry he left work early and went to the movies. JFS was later promoted to supervisor.

Hahaha. Good ****.

During the late 80s, the NASA Advanced Jet Propuslion lab worked on a Faster-Than-Light JFS Engine. In this model a FTL manned space craft was to be launched to the farthest regions of the galaxy using only the power of JFS's Iron Palm. However these plans have been scrapped as all of the test ships were incapible of surviving the initial impact.

The cost of building the countless destroyed test ships was so great that it led to the recession of the early 90s.

JFS was once confronted with the spectre of his own mortality. He casually leaned back against the bar and said, "Boo," with such panache that the spectre crapped his pants and ran away screaming.

JFS wrote "The Book of Love."

late at night around the campfire, some whisper that it was JFS that killed all those teenagers out by the lake. but they're wrong. it was JFS' last strand of hair, which, like all the rest, left his head as soon as it learned to walk.

JFS expected the Spanish Inquisition.

In your country, men shave. In JFS's country, he WISHES the women would shave.

jam master jay wasn't actually murdered. the whole thing was just set up by JFS because he was streamlining his schedule and needed to cull out a few incarnations. he does, however, continue to portray DMC on an as-needed basis.

As an addendum to this...

JFS actually murdered 2Pac because the West Siiiide isn't the best side... JFS's side is the best side...

As well, JFS no longer drinks beer (along with holding in his 1976 piss) becasue he found rubbing alcohol more to his like. A bit more bite, and smoother flavor going down.

JFS also hasn't blown a wad in 12 years since learning about tantric sex. However, he can no longer blow a wad to relase the sperm building up because it will level three large cities... makeing him even more prone to GONG SAUing bitches....