My wife was killed at our wedding. Her revenge story is too badass for this thread.

Here's some real footage captured by an amateur documentary film maker

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdQldhv_KK4
I hate Arizona ninjas.......

There was this one time, at Ninja camp....

There was this time I was Inigo Montoya.
Six fingered man killed my family.
He prepared to die.

I'm glad I know Judo. It helps when Russian monkey's invade a thread and fling their feces everywhere.................

I'm glad I know Judo. It helps when Russian monkey's invade a thread and fling their feces everywhere.................

It happens more often than you think.

Especially when those goddamn Buddhists try to abduct us, and drag us along on their journeys. To the West.

Douchebags.

It happens more often than you think.

Especially when those goddamn Buddhists try to abduct us, and drag us along on their journeys. To the West.

Douchebags.
this may or may not be an insult.
Until Der arrives and decides, consider it an insult and consider yourself infracted

Is there such a thing as a god-damned atheist?

Also, I single legged my neighbor and made him drop his banana pudding.

this may or may not be an insult.
Until Der arrives and decides, consider it an insult and consider yourself infracted

Dude, you're being a total Zhu Baijie.
Srsly.

I once took part in a secret underground tournament to fulfill the dying wishes of my sensei. If I didn't know the martial arts I would have been deaded but because I knew the martial arts I came back from almost certain death and winned.

One time, I took part in a secret underground tournament to fulfill the dying wishes of my sensei. Sadly, my timing was bad, and I entered the same tournament as another guy who was fulfilling the dying wishes of HIS sensei. I fought him to certain death, and was confident that my sensei was smiling approvingly from beyond the grave, but the sneaky little creep took a moment to remember an obscure technique that he learned long ago, and he came back and winned.

Now the ghost of my sensei mocks me nightly.

One time some guy thought I cut him off at a light (Two lanes on one side of the street with one lane on the other side. The left lane is for turning only). He was in the left lane so I assumed he was going to turn left, instead he was going to continue down the street only to be "Cut Off" by me.

This Idiot who I "disrespected" followed behind me honking and flashing his lights. This is where a younger, stupider, untrained Beak would have accepted and contributed to this never ending cycle of macho bullshit.

Instead I pulled over in to a parking lot and got out of my car. He walked up to me with his shoulder pulled back and his chest puffed up. I met him halfway, I lower my voice and calmly, firmly explained to the young man that he was in the wrong lane and to fight over something this trivial was stupid. That stopped him. Nobody was throwing the ball back, I wasn't going to play his stupid game.

I might be flattering myself but I thought I could see in his eyes that he had learned something.
















AND THEN I KICKED HIS STUPID ASS!

BEAK DRIVE WHERE HE WANT TO, BITCH!

One time some guy thought I cut him off at a light (Two lanes on one side of the street with one lane on the other side. The left lane is for turning only). He was in the left lane so I assumed he was going to turn left, instead he was going to continue down the street only to be "Cut Off" by me. This Idiot who I "disrespected" followed behind me honking and flashing his lights. This is where a younger, stupider, untrained Beak would have accepted and contributed to this never ending cycle of macho bullshit.

Instead I lower my voice and calmly explained to the young man that he was in the wrong lane and to fight over something this trivial was stupid. I might be flattering myself but I thought I could see in his eyes that he had learned something.





AND THEN I KICKED HIS STUPID ASS!

bEAK DRIVE WERE HE WANT TO, BITCH!

Oh yeah, was that the dude you pantsed and dumped into the SA river?
He's still plotting revenge for the sequel.

Once I was babysitting for my sister and my 4 y.o. nephew got mad at me for riding on his scooter. He picked up a golf club and said if I didn't get off the scooter he would hit me with it. Being the smart-ass that I am, I picked up the scooter and said if he did that I would hit him with the scooter. I thought that would have dissuaded him but NOOOOO. He actually attacked me with the golf club! I did a simple block and quickly disarmed him without either of us being even slightly injured. Totally not the scenario I had imagined all those years back doing blocking drills, haha.

Man, 4 year olds have terrible judgement! He would have turned into paste if I actually did hit him with the scooter. That's the last time I try to bluff a 4 year old. Those fuckers are hard core.

My martial arts really came in handy this one time when I was on a crowded train and trying to get some herbs to sick people. As it turns out, my luggage was confused with luggage from the British consulate, who were smuggling precious cultural artifacts out of my homeland. Soon these thugs were after me, but thanks to martial arts I prevailed against all sorts of opponents.

Oh wait, that was actually a time I was glad I was an alcoholic. (It helps me fight!)

Among other things, an automatic sprawl reflex from wrestling has come in handy a few times over the years when guys have gone for a double-leg takedown on the streets.
Especially this one time..guy was pissing me off in a food lineup after the bar, so I tell him to stop being a goof. He takes his coat off like a big man, challenges me. I jab , front kick..he's like ' **** this ' dives at my legs - sprawl, guillotine..
Yes, its nice to be prepared.
Mind you, this guy was just some ass-clown. So its not like it was a great victory or anything.
Funny as hell though.

I needed money to start a resturant and agreed to hunt down some guy's son in the wilderness of Brazil. I met a hot chick who was a freedom fighter and wiped out a group of evil miners headed up by Christopher Walken. I was happy I had watched professional wrestling.